First Update: Letting go of Dead Dreams

May 16, 2010
1:49 AM

I had the strangest, most normal dream. I woke up with the whole thing still in my head and I thought it over as I went to the bathroom.

Then I started to cry.

There's an ache in my heart as I realized that I've given up on my calling, on my ministry as a DCE.

I wasn't doing ministry in my dream, as it has happened in the past, but I was hanging out with a friend while he did his normal day to day stuff as a DCE.

During our conversations, he introduced me to one of his junior high church kids, who started talking to me about wanting to go to law school.

I was able to share my ideas concerning the process of waiting and following God, who has plans for each of our lives.

Then, once the kid headed off to class, my friend turned to me and said, "You miss being a DCE, don't you?"

I could actually see and feel myself well up with tears in my dream as I replied, "I do."

And then my friend said the weirdest thing, which comforted me yet made me realize that I've given up and am now ready to try moving on.

He said: "You looked good doing ministry."

Not "you look good" or "you will look good" but "you looked good."

Past tense.

I will be hitting the two year mark at the end of this month (5/28) since I finished my internship.

Two years since I've done full time DCE ministry.

Two years, five interviews later, waiting for my own church, my own group of teenagers and families to minister to.

Two years of waiting and aching for an opportunity to answer my call to the DCE ministry.

And now I've crying again at the fact that I've given up.

I won't have a church of my own.

God has other plans for me.

I don't know what they are and I'm not arrogant enough to assumer what I'm doing now or the steps I'm taking to fulfill my next goal are anything but my own plans.

All I can do is to be open and willing to follow God down whatever road He's chosen for me, whether it's the one I'm currently on or a completely different one that I've never even thought of.

Even in my dream, God comforted me, sending me a friend to help me understand.

Although I've given up on DCE ministry, I haven't let go.

I'm hanging on to a dead dream, having my own church, being a DCE, doing full time ministry.

It hurts, it literally aches, but it's time.

Time to let go and Let God.

Time to move on.

Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda Raj.

I've, once again, been watching the Big Bang Theory. I'm on Season Two.

New updates:

I got a new bed in my room, full size. It, of course, detracts from my tiny little bedroom in the middle of the hallway. But the space is wonderful. I can roll around without falling off the bed.

Besides, the bed is so low (Japenese style) that if I do fall, it won't break anything, just hurt some.

Any other new updates...my nose won't stop bleeding. It's annoying that I have to go through the day sniffing so I won't bleed all over my shirt or whatever. Gross, I know, but worrisome. I must be perishing of something serious.

I've gotten my long awaited for book but I have to register for the test ASAP, plus I need to register my accompanying CD-ROM so I can diagnos weaknesses and strengths. It's scary to realize how much money needs to go into this next big step of mine so I pray God shows me the way. If He has other plans, He will let me know in time. I pray.

Any other updates? Not really.

Except for the blind date.

Take care y'all!!!

Hey Luz! Mo ba-ana.

So last Saturday, I headed to San Elizario with my fav boy and his momma. Since Krys was driving, I got to give Jaden his banana and help him peel it. After about ten minutes, I hear Jaden say:

"Hey Luz. Mo ba-ana."

LOL.

I absolutely love that kid. And now, it looks like there's another Heimer favorite on the way! Yay!

Anyway, my long awaited book has gotten here so that means going on a schedule from here until December and maybe even beyond. I may have to delay my plans for a year, depending on admissions deadlines, but that's okay, because I will get it done.

I got my tax return. What a surprise!!!

Four hundred extra than what I thought. Good stuff. I can now get my mom her Mother's Day gift (Joe and I are going halvsies on it), I plan on getting my ears pierced (only ten bucks at Wal-Mart) and I will be buying my needed materials for the beginning of my eight month study session.

I know, I know, y'all are curious as to what I am studying for. Well...

I won't tell you. Not yet.

As for now, I shall leave you with my new motto (not so new since it was our mantra during summer camp when in JROTC):

HIGHLY MOTIVATED, ALWAYS DEDICATED, NO SLACK SIR NO SLACK, UAH!

And the tears shall flow...

So I went to the movies with Krysia to see LETTERS TO GOD.

Talk about a tear-jerker. Krysia was sitting beside me, wiping away, sniffling, tears streaming down her face...hold on...

That was me!

Although Krys did cry a bit.

Before the movie, Steve, Krys and I had pizza. Jaden didn't want any. I was able to witness first hand what discipline is in the Heimer household. Needless to say, I was left speechless with awe at the greatness that are Jaden's parents.

Alright, any other updates? Not much, really. Still working and sleeping but will soon be putting myself on a schedule to add on writing, working out, R&R and more specifically, studying.

Studying what?

I will tell later.

Social Life...might that exist?

It looks like my non-existent social life is starting to bloom.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to the bowling alley with a couple of friends from work. We were having fun until hateful co-worker we did not invite showed up about an hour and a half after we got there.

Needless to say, I simply ignored her and continued to play pool, which is what we were doing. Granted, outside the bowling alley, when she stated that she knew I hated her and that she didn't care -to which I replied that I didn't hate her, I just didn't like her - was the end all of the night.

Well, not exactly. The original party of three (without hateful coworker) headed to Whataburger for a late night dinner. I got home sometime around 12:30AM.

Good thing is that hateful coworker is no longer working at El Paso Rehab. Yay!

Now, today, Krysia and I are going to the movies to see "Letters To God," which promises to be a tear jerker. We're waiting for Stephen and the pizza (Stephen's gonna be baby-sitting) before we head out. It shall be fun.

As for any other social plans...going dancing with a couple of gals from work next Friday. Yay!

College -BIG MISTAKE. Should have joined the ARMY

So today I found out...big change of plans for my little brother.

At the moment, he's in Iraq. He will be coming home for a week June-July. However, he WILL NOT be coming back to El Paso for two years after his tour in Iraq is over.

Where will he be stationed, you wonder? Mmm...Korea? No.

Japan? No.

Germany? No.

No, no, no, no!!!!

My little brother, the one who wanted to be back in HELL PASO and live here (cannot comprehend why he would want that) is going to be stationed where I want to live all the days of my life.

Austin? No.

ITALY!

Exactly two hours away from Venice, Italy. How freaking unfair is that? He gets to go to Italy, MY Italy, and I get stuck here in El Paso, HIS El Paso.

This is just not right. Not right at all.

I should have joined the ARMY.

Two days past 26

I turned 26 on March 27th.

I got twelve dozen roses, a lollipop, a book, a mixed CD, three birthday cards, a new scrubs top, twenty dollars, and a all expense paid trip to Olive Garden (stuffed chicken marsala, peach tea and white chocolate raspberry cheesecake) for the monumental event.

So, two days after my 26th birthday, I don't know what to do with myself. I am single, working as a night CNA, single, thinking about going back to school, single, with very little friends...and did I mention that I am single?

My co-worker says not single but blessed. Being that I've always been single, I've yet to see whether it is a blessing or not.

But hey! Update on the social life...got plans to go bowling with my girls from work on Tuesday night. That should be fun. See what kind of trouble we can get into.

Family updates? Prayers for my brother needed. He's still in Iraq but under observation. He's been exhibiting abnormal heart activity and has a high count of magnesium in his body.

Prayers for my mother. Seems that the Savella her doctor prescribed for her fibromialgia isn't being as effective as we had hoped. Will see what can be done.

Personal updates? Well, aside from the fact that I am back to size 18 jeans (argh!), I am letting my nails grow out (they look really nice) and I think I might be letting my hair grow out too. Will have to update pictures later.

Well, enough is enough. Gotta go.