Breaking Point

Every night, before I go to bed, I can't help but wonder what God wants from me.

Everything is piling up and it seems like there's an expected moment, a time where I am suppose to do something or desist from doing something for God to be placated. As you can very obviously see, God and I are not in good terms.

I am still talking to Him, well, more like screaming and demanding an explanation as to His plans for me.

Is Waco where I'm suppose to be? Did I jump the gun moving here? Should I have stayed in Tulsa or moved to El Paso?

Is this whole situation a matter of trusting God with everything I have, which at this point, isn't much? Is there a need for me to be broken into so many pieces that only God can put me back together? Is that why things are the way they are?

I don't know because God has not given me the answers to any of my questions.

My life as it is at this moment sucks. I've turned in applications, I've filed for unemployment (which is somewhat embarrassing...I don't want unemployment benefits...I want a job), I went to an agency that helped in the searching of jobs.

The good thing, though, is that I have an interview this coming Tuesday at noon with the American Life Company...what is it exactly...insurance. Please pray that I am the right person for the job...which I will be with the training they offer.

Now, my other beef with God at the moment is my family situation. My grandmother is really sick and it looks like she won't make it through the week. My mother called me yesterday to inform me, and I understand she was hurting and not thinking, but she made me feel guilty and like a total duchbag because I told her I had no way of heading down there after she asked me if I could come home. I wasn't lying...it's not like I don't want to see my grandmother before she dies...in fact, I would very much like to say good-bye to her. Unfortunately, I was being honest when I told my mother that I had no financial means to go home for a couple of days.

She hasn't called me since yesterday so either my grandmother is still alive or my mother is not talking to me. I just hope that the people I went to for help, i.e. Pastor Busch and the good people of Good Shepherd in Tulsa, will be able to help me, even if it's just going home for two days.

If things do come through for me, I will be getting on a Greyhound bus tomorrow morning and returning on Monday, which means I will arrive Waco at 8:40 in the morning on Tuesday, which gives me time to shower, eat and prepare for that interview at noon.

Please keep me in your prayers, both my job situation and my family situation. Especially keep my mother in your prayers...she's hurting and losing her mother and wants her children to be with her and I am not sure if I will be able to.