I've put in a total of twenty four hours at First Baptist Preschool. I've taken care of one year olds and younger...the youngest being two months.
I spend all day hugging, kissing, patting, praising, feeding, burping, changing, cleaning, straigthening, playing and disciplining. You would think after two hours, I'd be fed up.
Well, I would think that too. Two years ago, I would have quit my job by now...afterall, when I was working at Redeemer, I only lasted three or four days in the nursery before I requested to be moved to the older (and already potty trained) kids.
Now, I can't help but enjoy cuddling a two month old as he takes his bottle (this being Jesse who likes to drink his bottle while he stares into my eyes...I introduced myself to him as Jesse Gumtow Jr. due to a joke with my friend Jesse when I decided to change my name so I could run off to Costa Rica and not be found) or talking to a blue eyed two month old girl named Ginger while I change her diaper (I tell her that while wiggling may be cute, it makes my job to put her in a clean dry diaper a little harder and she doesn't want to do that, does she?)
It has always been my belief that taking care of infants and young children is the perfect birth control...which always worked with me in the past. Everytime I said I wanted a baby and I ended up dealing with little kids I realized, Ha! No way Jose! No kiddos for me!
Now...I am twenty-four and that particular birth control is no longer working. I e-mailed Stephen to ask if my discovering patience with youngsters I knew I didn't have before meant that I was ready to be a mother...and I told him that I was going to have to wait because, obviously, though I may be ready for that responsibility, nothing else in my life lines up for it.
I couldn't help but laugh at his response to my statement that I want to do the parenting thing the right way so that I may not suffer consequences.
"...marriage THEN sex THEN babies." So, Stephen, does the capitalized THEN mean that there is no other order? Oh, you crack me up.
So I am ready to be a mother...so now all I have to do is wait for God to let me know when it is time. Wait for something that may or may not be in His will for me. Wait for someone that may or may not be the one He has in mind for me.
A whole lot of waiting and not much happening. Patience and trust is obviously essential as I wait...wait and watch as my life goes by, as the things that I want and desire drift further and further away.
Oh well. God's plans are perfect, His ways unattainable. So I wait...wait until He gives me what He wills.
Enough of that sob fest. I bet by now, you are pretty depressed along with me. Yeah, sorry.
Aside from that, I have a dentist appointment next Wednesday to get a molar pulled out...Becca's coming up to Waco to drive me to and from the office, since I won't be able to drive. Supposedly getting a tooth pulled messed with your sense of balance. Anybody ever heard of that?
Today, after work, I volunteered to do face painting for the Pumpkin Patch Festival that First Baptist Church had from 5pm to 7:30pm. It was fun painting kids faces. Flowers, rainbows, pumpkins, Spider Man, skulls and cross bones, hearts, butterflies. Allowed me to release some creative energy PLUS spend time with kids that I didn't have to take care of.
Well, I may have tomorrow morning off if there's no need for a substitute teacher. Otherwise, I'll just be doing two and a half hours with the infants in the afternoon. Gives me time to go to the Waco Municipal Court to finish taking care of my citation.
Either than that, and the need to do laundry (sadly, I only have enough change for one load of laundry), I don't have anything else to update on.
Wait! I do! I now wake up smiling and feeling happy...it has been five months since I've felt joy at heading off to work.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
Midnight Ponderings
I am sitting here listening to my Blue Rodeo CD Five Days in July and wondering how my life has come to this point.
God has, once again, shown His great mercy and His constant support for me. I worked today at First Baptist Preschool as a substitue teacher and will be working the afternoon shifts (just two hours) starting Monday. I was asked to work for the church on Sunday evening, for two hours, which is some extra cash. Not much, but hopefully enough to pay the bills next month. The possibility of making enough money to pay December rent and bills is slim, but that is something to deal with another day.
I talked to my mother over the phone today and she kept telling me how much she is looking forward to having me come home and how much she needs me near by. As I listened to her talk, and cry, about her responsabilities concerning her siblings, I couldn't help but feel useless...and burdened.
You see, I explained to my mother that her siblings are not her responsability. They are, after all, adults well enough to take care of themselves and to know what is good and what is bad. If anyone is responsible for them, it is themselves and their own children. My mother's only responsabilities are herself and her children. And then it hit me hard...my responsibility is my mother.
I am an adult and so is my mother, but my mother is getting older...eventually, she will need to be looked after and taken care of. I am responsible for that.
How can I deal with that at this time of my life, when I am having a hard enough time taking care of myself?
Not only that, but having my mother tell me again and again (and again) that she needs me close by (at home) is starting to weigh down on me...my mother's need for me to be near by is feeling like a yoke to me.
How am I suppose to tell my mother that as soon as I see a way out, I'll be getting the hell out of Dodge (Dodge being El Paso)? How do I tell her that I am actually contemplating going into the mission field overseas, actually praying if God has this in my future, my heading to Slovakia or Hungary or Poland to teach English as a Foreign Language or to be a Spiritual Leader in Hong Kong, an opportunity to show the love of Christ and teach the awesomeness of God to many who are desolate and in the dark?
How do I tell my mother that if the opportunity arises, I will go as far as I am called? God has held on to me throughout these hard months, has shown me His steadfast faithfulness...I can do no less, no matter where He leads. And I know His plans for me are unimaginable and incomprehensible (because even now, I can't comprehend what He is doing at this point in time) but one thing I know, whatever He calls me to do, I will do.
If the reason all this has happened was to send me back to El Paso to be His light and voice there, then I can do it. But I can't let my mother become my yoke...but I can't turn my back on my responsibility when it comes to her.
I'm afraid...afraid that I will feel suffocated and burdened...especially if that is the place God has planned for me to be of use. How can I minister to others and show the freedom given to us by our Father if I am dragged down by my mother's expectations and demands?
Is it really a good idea for me to go home, to be near my mother? Will it be a mistake to be so close by and, somehow, end up giving my mother a crutch? I don't want to be the one she leans on just like I don't want to lean on her. I've learned the hard way, time and again, that the only one stable enough to be leaned on is God. Does my mother understand that?
Even worst, if I go back home, will my mother be able to let me go again when the time comes?
God has, once again, shown His great mercy and His constant support for me. I worked today at First Baptist Preschool as a substitue teacher and will be working the afternoon shifts (just two hours) starting Monday. I was asked to work for the church on Sunday evening, for two hours, which is some extra cash. Not much, but hopefully enough to pay the bills next month. The possibility of making enough money to pay December rent and bills is slim, but that is something to deal with another day.
I talked to my mother over the phone today and she kept telling me how much she is looking forward to having me come home and how much she needs me near by. As I listened to her talk, and cry, about her responsabilities concerning her siblings, I couldn't help but feel useless...and burdened.
You see, I explained to my mother that her siblings are not her responsability. They are, after all, adults well enough to take care of themselves and to know what is good and what is bad. If anyone is responsible for them, it is themselves and their own children. My mother's only responsabilities are herself and her children. And then it hit me hard...my responsibility is my mother.
I am an adult and so is my mother, but my mother is getting older...eventually, she will need to be looked after and taken care of. I am responsible for that.
How can I deal with that at this time of my life, when I am having a hard enough time taking care of myself?
Not only that, but having my mother tell me again and again (and again) that she needs me close by (at home) is starting to weigh down on me...my mother's need for me to be near by is feeling like a yoke to me.
How am I suppose to tell my mother that as soon as I see a way out, I'll be getting the hell out of Dodge (Dodge being El Paso)? How do I tell her that I am actually contemplating going into the mission field overseas, actually praying if God has this in my future, my heading to Slovakia or Hungary or Poland to teach English as a Foreign Language or to be a Spiritual Leader in Hong Kong, an opportunity to show the love of Christ and teach the awesomeness of God to many who are desolate and in the dark?
How do I tell my mother that if the opportunity arises, I will go as far as I am called? God has held on to me throughout these hard months, has shown me His steadfast faithfulness...I can do no less, no matter where He leads. And I know His plans for me are unimaginable and incomprehensible (because even now, I can't comprehend what He is doing at this point in time) but one thing I know, whatever He calls me to do, I will do.
If the reason all this has happened was to send me back to El Paso to be His light and voice there, then I can do it. But I can't let my mother become my yoke...but I can't turn my back on my responsibility when it comes to her.
I'm afraid...afraid that I will feel suffocated and burdened...especially if that is the place God has planned for me to be of use. How can I minister to others and show the freedom given to us by our Father if I am dragged down by my mother's expectations and demands?
Is it really a good idea for me to go home, to be near my mother? Will it be a mistake to be so close by and, somehow, end up giving my mother a crutch? I don't want to be the one she leans on just like I don't want to lean on her. I've learned the hard way, time and again, that the only one stable enough to be leaned on is God. Does my mother understand that?
Even worst, if I go back home, will my mother be able to let me go again when the time comes?
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
ISAIAH 55
My life is not what I expected it to be at this point in time. At twenty-four, I expected to be in a serious relationship, dedicating myself to a career that I am passionate for and working towards continuing my education.
Instead, I am single, with no prospective relationship whatsoever, unemployed, barely making rent and definitely not making enough to pay my bills, and watching my passion for my chosen career slip farther and farther away. Oh, and the continuing education...didn't I just say I could barely make rent?
Today, I had lunch at a Chinese restaurant across the street from the mechanic where my car was getting an oil change and a thermostat replaced. While there, I started the first day of a 30 day Bible study titled "Trusting in the Names of God."
The first chapter was titled "The Great Adventure of Knowing God." It was amazing how much this first chapter with which I started parralleled to my life at this moment. And what amazed me most was the last verse the writer, Catherine Martin, quoted.
Instead, I am single, with no prospective relationship whatsoever, unemployed, barely making rent and definitely not making enough to pay my bills, and watching my passion for my chosen career slip farther and farther away. Oh, and the continuing education...didn't I just say I could barely make rent?
Today, I had lunch at a Chinese restaurant across the street from the mechanic where my car was getting an oil change and a thermostat replaced. While there, I started the first day of a 30 day Bible study titled "Trusting in the Names of God."
The first chapter was titled "The Great Adventure of Knowing God." It was amazing how much this first chapter with which I started parralleled to my life at this moment. And what amazed me most was the last verse the writer, Catherine Martin, quoted.
Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost. Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare. Give ear and come to me; hear me, that your soul may live....
Isaiah 55:1-3a
Those first three verses hit me hard but not as hard as when I found out that those three verses came from the same chapter as a verse that I hang on to at these uncertain times of my life.
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, as the heavens are higher than the eart, so are my ways higher that your ways and my thoughts that your thoughts. As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields see for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: it will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
Isaiah 55:8-11
I realized that if I must adopt any chapter from the Bible to help me through these uncertain times, Isaiah 55 would be it. It felt good to study Scripture. I haven't opened a Bible in over two months and it was amazing to have God talk right to my hurt. To have Him cut through all the crap and pretense and hit the heart of the matter that is my life.
I feel relieved that I am on speaking terms with my God again. And I thank Becca for having reminded me during our three hour talk last night that God is so much bigger than my situation...
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Depressed? Me? Nooooo....
I just got back from Wal-Mart. I spend $22 on two frozen pizzas, Ben & Jerry's Half Baked Ice Cream (Chocolate and Vanilla Ice Cream with Fudge Brownie chuncks and gobs of chocolate chip cookie dough), a bag of milk chocolate with toffee and almond Hershey blocks, a large bar of Symphony milk chocolate, and a Kingsbury book that will make me believe everything is right with the world.
So am I depressed? Feeling blue? Well, not blue. Mostly because I think blue is a happy color...any shade of blue is cheery and happy and constant to me. I guess I am feeling more like gray...yeah, gray is the color of my mood.
The word of my mood is YUCKA...
Balls also describes my mood adequately (just for you Becca).
I have been packing, throwing out papers from the school notes and papers I've kept. I wish I could just go home now, where I could feel safe and stable. I think that's what I hate about my life the most...how unstable and inconsistant it feels, day in and day out.
Not only that, but I think I am not healthy. I've had nosebleeds the past three days. Yesterday and today, I had two. They've only lasted about two minutes but still...nosebleeds three days in a row? I also had a sinus headache all day Friday. And I mean all day. It started late Thursday night when I went to bed and did not go away until Friday night when I went to bed.
Well, tomorrow, I'll be calling JOAT to see if they have anything lined up for me (as well as a paycheck for the two days I worked last week at Loan Express). If not, I'll be going to Katy's, an ice cream shop at Clay and Valley Mills and putting in an application (as well as strongly suggesting they hire me...is that called begging?)
I have this week to get at least $200 so I can pay rent next Monday for the month of November. I also need to fill out the paperwork to defer my stupid school loans. Why did I go to school? What is the point of a Bachelor's when I can't even use it?
Enough, enough. There's no point to my yacking on and on about my pathetic life. Yes, by the way, I am depressed. Not suicidal but definitely depressed.
Yucka...
So am I depressed? Feeling blue? Well, not blue. Mostly because I think blue is a happy color...any shade of blue is cheery and happy and constant to me. I guess I am feeling more like gray...yeah, gray is the color of my mood.
The word of my mood is YUCKA...
Balls also describes my mood adequately (just for you Becca).
I have been packing, throwing out papers from the school notes and papers I've kept. I wish I could just go home now, where I could feel safe and stable. I think that's what I hate about my life the most...how unstable and inconsistant it feels, day in and day out.
Not only that, but I think I am not healthy. I've had nosebleeds the past three days. Yesterday and today, I had two. They've only lasted about two minutes but still...nosebleeds three days in a row? I also had a sinus headache all day Friday. And I mean all day. It started late Thursday night when I went to bed and did not go away until Friday night when I went to bed.
Well, tomorrow, I'll be calling JOAT to see if they have anything lined up for me (as well as a paycheck for the two days I worked last week at Loan Express). If not, I'll be going to Katy's, an ice cream shop at Clay and Valley Mills and putting in an application (as well as strongly suggesting they hire me...is that called begging?)
I have this week to get at least $200 so I can pay rent next Monday for the month of November. I also need to fill out the paperwork to defer my stupid school loans. Why did I go to school? What is the point of a Bachelor's when I can't even use it?
Enough, enough. There's no point to my yacking on and on about my pathetic life. Yes, by the way, I am depressed. Not suicidal but definitely depressed.
Yucka...
Friday, October 17, 2008
What Is The Matter With You?
I hate the uncertainty of my life. I am, once again, without a job. I'll be heading to the Waco-Tribune Newspaper and applying for a customer service job, which would hopefully last me long enough until I head back West.
So today I spent all day with a sinus headache (which sucks majorly) and feeling sorely miserable about myself. I just don't know what the bloody hell God expects from me. What is it that I am suppose to be doing? Or not doing?
Well, I am, for sure, okay with heading home to live with the parents (ARGH!) and trying the independent thing again, but this time, with something to fall back on if I fail...again.
Other than that, I am trying not to get depressed and doing my best on not heading out of my apartment and spend money (I tend to spend money when I am unemployed and not making money). Unfortunately, the depress feelings are attached to my being stuck inside this apartment.
I have already started packing. I have two boxes of books packed and am working on a third box. I should have eight boxes packed and ready to go by the middle of November. I am getting my school loans deferred for another year (hopefully) and getting my car fixed for the long road trip. I had to call my credit card company to get another card since I cut up the one they send me back in February this year. I plan on using my available balance of $3,000 for the car repairs (engine oil leak and a catalyst) and the moving truck ($745 if there's someone else my moving can piggy-back on...prayers it may be so).
I am feeling so down and blue about the way my life has turned out after graduation/internship. I thought I would be on my first call by now, but obviously, no church wants me and God has no place for me. I know He's taking care of me, because He continuously reminds me so, but I feel so useless and worthless. I have nothing to offer that is not ministry related and the ministry world doesn't seem to have a place for me.
Enough of that. The one good thing in my life is that Becca's visiting in November and I get to see my mother come December. Also, I've talked to Becca about the possibility of her moving West sometime next year. She's looking into West Texas and New Mexico, which, by the way, would be an amazing place to live at. I myself will be looking into an apartment in West El Paso or Las Cruces, New Mexico. Maybe even Alamogordo and as far as Alburquerque.
Becca send me some links to apartments in Santa Teresa, New Mexico, which are absolutely beautiful. The idea of living in the mountains and desert once again kind of make me feel hopeful again. I didn't realize how much I missed living somewhere with open space, which the desert and mountains always offer.
Okay, I am done with my update. I am still alive, still in Waco, still adrift, still alone, still blah...
So today I spent all day with a sinus headache (which sucks majorly) and feeling sorely miserable about myself. I just don't know what the bloody hell God expects from me. What is it that I am suppose to be doing? Or not doing?
Well, I am, for sure, okay with heading home to live with the parents (ARGH!) and trying the independent thing again, but this time, with something to fall back on if I fail...again.
Other than that, I am trying not to get depressed and doing my best on not heading out of my apartment and spend money (I tend to spend money when I am unemployed and not making money). Unfortunately, the depress feelings are attached to my being stuck inside this apartment.
I have already started packing. I have two boxes of books packed and am working on a third box. I should have eight boxes packed and ready to go by the middle of November. I am getting my school loans deferred for another year (hopefully) and getting my car fixed for the long road trip. I had to call my credit card company to get another card since I cut up the one they send me back in February this year. I plan on using my available balance of $3,000 for the car repairs (engine oil leak and a catalyst) and the moving truck ($745 if there's someone else my moving can piggy-back on...prayers it may be so).
I am feeling so down and blue about the way my life has turned out after graduation/internship. I thought I would be on my first call by now, but obviously, no church wants me and God has no place for me. I know He's taking care of me, because He continuously reminds me so, but I feel so useless and worthless. I have nothing to offer that is not ministry related and the ministry world doesn't seem to have a place for me.
Enough of that. The one good thing in my life is that Becca's visiting in November and I get to see my mother come December. Also, I've talked to Becca about the possibility of her moving West sometime next year. She's looking into West Texas and New Mexico, which, by the way, would be an amazing place to live at. I myself will be looking into an apartment in West El Paso or Las Cruces, New Mexico. Maybe even Alamogordo and as far as Alburquerque.
Becca send me some links to apartments in Santa Teresa, New Mexico, which are absolutely beautiful. The idea of living in the mountains and desert once again kind of make me feel hopeful again. I didn't realize how much I missed living somewhere with open space, which the desert and mountains always offer.
Okay, I am done with my update. I am still alive, still in Waco, still adrift, still alone, still blah...
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Decisions
I have a job until the 24th of October.
I have decided to move back to El Paso sometime early December.
I am researching moving companies here in Waco for estimates (donations, anyone?)
I am researching jobs in El Paso, Las Cruces, Alamogordo, and Alburquerque.
I will only live with my parents for a month or so before moving into my own apartment.
I am excited about having family and friends in the same place I live so I won't be a such a hermit.
Becca is coming to Waco in November so we can see Twilight.
Looking forward to being J.T.'s (Jaden) babysitter once I move to El Paso.
Will be looking into getting a Teaching Degree when I get into El Paso.
Am going to see if UTEP has a Master's program in counseling.
Other than all those decisions, I am doing well. Developing my story, writing the other story, and doing research for the first of a possible trilogy that I am developing and hoping to shape into a best seller.
I have decided to move back to El Paso sometime early December.
I am researching moving companies here in Waco for estimates (donations, anyone?)
I am researching jobs in El Paso, Las Cruces, Alamogordo, and Alburquerque.
I will only live with my parents for a month or so before moving into my own apartment.
I am excited about having family and friends in the same place I live so I won't be a such a hermit.
Becca is coming to Waco in November so we can see Twilight.
Looking forward to being J.T.'s (Jaden) babysitter once I move to El Paso.
Will be looking into getting a Teaching Degree when I get into El Paso.
Am going to see if UTEP has a Master's program in counseling.
Other than all those decisions, I am doing well. Developing my story, writing the other story, and doing research for the first of a possible trilogy that I am developing and hoping to shape into a best seller.
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