Twenty-five years old, living with my parents and my new playmate is a year and a little over a month old.
I spent today doing laundry, trying to organize my room so it looks like my room (try fitting an apartment's worth of stuff into a tiny room and you'll realize it is not that easy), and then washing the car to make my step-dad stop whining about it.
I did get my engine oil, oil filter and spark plugs changed and it looks like I will eventually have to replace the suspension on the back tires. Other than that, my car is alright.
I spent about two and a half hours playing with J.T. and then worked on my resumes (all done!) while he was napping and then I had dinner with him and Krysia (amazing salmon and rice...so want the recipe!!!) while Stephen was having class over the computer in the other room (I still don't get it...) and applied to some positions on-line.
Please keep that in your prayers!!!
Well, I'll be at the Heimer's again tomorrow to play some more with my new buddy and then check out my email and see if anything has come through before looking for more positions. I am also hoping to read Krysia's thesis.
Well, that's an update so far. I miss Becca like crazy and I hope that she updates her blog so I can know what is going on in her life. As for Shortcake...your puppy Aspen is adorable!!!!
Monday, March 30, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
Seven Days
One week from today, I am turning twenty-five. TWENTY-FIVE!!!
I didn't think it would matter all that much, I mean, after all, life just keeps going every day, every hour, every minute, every second...nothing can be done to stop time. Even when you die, time may stop for you, but for everyone else, it keeps going.
So I have seven more days of being twenty-four. Seven more days of realizing that at twenty-five, it will just become a down-hill roller coaster to becoming an adult. I've been out of college for two years come this May but I still live like a college student. All I have in my apartment is a day bed, a bookshelf, a camping chair and a fold-out papazzan chair along with a fan and a floor lamp.
Maybe next time around that I get an apartment, I'll start buying real furniture...like a couch. And a coffee table. And end tables. With lamps and maybe a rug. I can get a dresser for my clothes and bookshelves for my books (I keep my books in a box and my DVDs in the bookshelf I now have).
I can't believe that in seven days, I will be a quarter of a century old. I'll be celebrating my twenty-fifth birthday with my best friend Becca and her family. How am I celebrating my twenty-fifth birthday? Non-adult style -pizza and a movie!!! Maybe a cake...or cupcakes.
I can't believe I'm turning twenty-five. I am single, with no prospect of a boyfriend or husband or family...I have no career even though I have a college degree. And I'm going to be living with my parents.
Twenty-five...what a milestone, especially when I believed I wouldn't make it past sixteen. And if I had done it my way, been that much of a coward, if God hadn't reached out to me and given me a second chance, I wouldn't have made it to my eighteenth birthday.
God is amazing. He has held on to me from before I was born and been with me every step of my life. I have turned my back to Him many, many times and yet when I turn back, He is there, waiting for me. He has changed me in so many ways, as tested me for the purpose of refining me, and He has taught me to trust in Him and Him alone. God has carried me through these past twenty-five years and I know without a doubt He will carry through the next twenty-five years. He has blessed me with love and happiness, with friends and family.
He has given me my dreams of college and has shown me the joy of ministry, of teaching His Word to others, of encouraging others in their walks with Him. He has given me a heart for the hurting and the needy. He has given me words to defend the oppressed and stand up for the defenseless.
He has given me a passion for loving teenagers, a joy for loving children and compassion for loving the elderly. He has broadened my vision of ministry, teaching me that focusing on one group isn't His way. His way is all-encompassing, all-loving....with arms wide open.
And that's how I want to live my life -with arms wide open. And I've come to understand that to show and live Christ means I must live with arms wide open...and with a heart wide open as well.
And that's what I will do. I will live Christ and show Christ to everyone...my parents, my family, my friends...but especially to myself. Because if I don't see Christ when I look in the mirror after a day of being petty and resentful and angry...then how will others see Christ in me?
I didn't think it would matter all that much, I mean, after all, life just keeps going every day, every hour, every minute, every second...nothing can be done to stop time. Even when you die, time may stop for you, but for everyone else, it keeps going.
So I have seven more days of being twenty-four. Seven more days of realizing that at twenty-five, it will just become a down-hill roller coaster to becoming an adult. I've been out of college for two years come this May but I still live like a college student. All I have in my apartment is a day bed, a bookshelf, a camping chair and a fold-out papazzan chair along with a fan and a floor lamp.
Maybe next time around that I get an apartment, I'll start buying real furniture...like a couch. And a coffee table. And end tables. With lamps and maybe a rug. I can get a dresser for my clothes and bookshelves for my books (I keep my books in a box and my DVDs in the bookshelf I now have).
I can't believe that in seven days, I will be a quarter of a century old. I'll be celebrating my twenty-fifth birthday with my best friend Becca and her family. How am I celebrating my twenty-fifth birthday? Non-adult style -pizza and a movie!!! Maybe a cake...or cupcakes.
I can't believe I'm turning twenty-five. I am single, with no prospect of a boyfriend or husband or family...I have no career even though I have a college degree. And I'm going to be living with my parents.
Twenty-five...what a milestone, especially when I believed I wouldn't make it past sixteen. And if I had done it my way, been that much of a coward, if God hadn't reached out to me and given me a second chance, I wouldn't have made it to my eighteenth birthday.
God is amazing. He has held on to me from before I was born and been with me every step of my life. I have turned my back to Him many, many times and yet when I turn back, He is there, waiting for me. He has changed me in so many ways, as tested me for the purpose of refining me, and He has taught me to trust in Him and Him alone. God has carried me through these past twenty-five years and I know without a doubt He will carry through the next twenty-five years. He has blessed me with love and happiness, with friends and family.
He has given me my dreams of college and has shown me the joy of ministry, of teaching His Word to others, of encouraging others in their walks with Him. He has given me a heart for the hurting and the needy. He has given me words to defend the oppressed and stand up for the defenseless.
He has given me a passion for loving teenagers, a joy for loving children and compassion for loving the elderly. He has broadened my vision of ministry, teaching me that focusing on one group isn't His way. His way is all-encompassing, all-loving....with arms wide open.
And that's how I want to live my life -with arms wide open. And I've come to understand that to show and live Christ means I must live with arms wide open...and with a heart wide open as well.
And that's what I will do. I will live Christ and show Christ to everyone...my parents, my family, my friends...but especially to myself. Because if I don't see Christ when I look in the mirror after a day of being petty and resentful and angry...then how will others see Christ in me?
Thursday, March 19, 2009
AM I INSANE?!?!?!?
Oh boy, this is going to be crazy. So I'm going home. After seven years of not living under the same roof as my parents for more than a month, I am voluntarily moving back in with them.
I am trying my best not to panic and let that yucky tight knot feeling in the middle of my stomach to push me towards worrying. Somehow, I feel like God is pushing me back home. No matter which way I turned, He kept hedging me towards El Paso. Why?
Is He planning on restoring the relationship between myself and my parents? Does He want my parents to see me as an adult or me to see my parents as friends?
Or is there more to it? Is this part of that healing process I began last year while in Tulsa but stopped after four sessions because I was too busy (the best excuse to stop things that will reveal what you don't want to see)?
El Paso is the place I grew up in. It holds so many memories and joys and disappointments and pains. The day I left El Paso to head for college in Austin, I promised myself that I would never go back. But now, I am trying to figure out what I meant. Never go back to El Paso? Or never go back to the unlivable family situation I had grown up in?
Will my parents and I be able to get along? How long before we start getting on each other's nerves and climbing down each other's throats? Will I be able to handle the arguments and fights my parents seem to just naturally fall into? Sometimes, I think that their relationship is based upon fights and arguments that could easily be resolved through open communication. I hate dealing with conflict. I do everything possible to not have to deal with conflict. Why do you think I work so hard at having people like me? That way, there won't be any conflict. Yes, I've dealt with it when it comes up between me and Becca, but Becca and I are so close that I know we can move on beyond that and not have it hanging off our necks like some dead albatross.
But my parents...they never let go. I love them both very much, don't get me wrong. But they aren't conducive to the peaceful and fun-loving style of living that I've gotten used to these past seven years.
I was 18 when I moved out of my parents house, a week after graduation and right into the Heimers' home. It was a wonderful time for me, staying up late talking with Angela, getting to work throughout the day with Stephen, learning more about Jesus and Scripture, about myself and my relationship with God. Making friends, doing ministry.
I didn't have to deal with my parents except for Sundays. I liked that. It was restful, peaceful, wonderfully amazing. It made me realize that life doesn't have to be one fight after another, one argument on top of the next one. Life can be agreeing to disagree, communication, smiles and laughter, joy at being able to connect in a way that lets you express your view and see someone else's view without trying to squash one and replace it with the other.
Not only that, but I've gotten used to having my own space. I am going to have to share a bathroom with my parents, a kitchen, a living room...and if I know my mom, my bedroom is not off-limits. She never learned to knock. Oh God, please help me not to revert back to seventeen. I want to have them see me and treat me as a grown up, not a rebellious teenager that's too stupid to understand responsibility, therefore rules must be applied.
I need prayers that I find a job FAST, that way I can move withing a week or two of starting a new job. I can deal with living near my parents...I can't deal with living with my parents. Not for long. I don't think I'll even unpack.
Much prayers would be appreciated.
I am trying my best not to panic and let that yucky tight knot feeling in the middle of my stomach to push me towards worrying. Somehow, I feel like God is pushing me back home. No matter which way I turned, He kept hedging me towards El Paso. Why?
Is He planning on restoring the relationship between myself and my parents? Does He want my parents to see me as an adult or me to see my parents as friends?
Or is there more to it? Is this part of that healing process I began last year while in Tulsa but stopped after four sessions because I was too busy (the best excuse to stop things that will reveal what you don't want to see)?
El Paso is the place I grew up in. It holds so many memories and joys and disappointments and pains. The day I left El Paso to head for college in Austin, I promised myself that I would never go back. But now, I am trying to figure out what I meant. Never go back to El Paso? Or never go back to the unlivable family situation I had grown up in?
Will my parents and I be able to get along? How long before we start getting on each other's nerves and climbing down each other's throats? Will I be able to handle the arguments and fights my parents seem to just naturally fall into? Sometimes, I think that their relationship is based upon fights and arguments that could easily be resolved through open communication. I hate dealing with conflict. I do everything possible to not have to deal with conflict. Why do you think I work so hard at having people like me? That way, there won't be any conflict. Yes, I've dealt with it when it comes up between me and Becca, but Becca and I are so close that I know we can move on beyond that and not have it hanging off our necks like some dead albatross.
But my parents...they never let go. I love them both very much, don't get me wrong. But they aren't conducive to the peaceful and fun-loving style of living that I've gotten used to these past seven years.
I was 18 when I moved out of my parents house, a week after graduation and right into the Heimers' home. It was a wonderful time for me, staying up late talking with Angela, getting to work throughout the day with Stephen, learning more about Jesus and Scripture, about myself and my relationship with God. Making friends, doing ministry.
I didn't have to deal with my parents except for Sundays. I liked that. It was restful, peaceful, wonderfully amazing. It made me realize that life doesn't have to be one fight after another, one argument on top of the next one. Life can be agreeing to disagree, communication, smiles and laughter, joy at being able to connect in a way that lets you express your view and see someone else's view without trying to squash one and replace it with the other.
Not only that, but I've gotten used to having my own space. I am going to have to share a bathroom with my parents, a kitchen, a living room...and if I know my mom, my bedroom is not off-limits. She never learned to knock. Oh God, please help me not to revert back to seventeen. I want to have them see me and treat me as a grown up, not a rebellious teenager that's too stupid to understand responsibility, therefore rules must be applied.
I need prayers that I find a job FAST, that way I can move withing a week or two of starting a new job. I can deal with living near my parents...I can't deal with living with my parents. Not for long. I don't think I'll even unpack.
Much prayers would be appreciated.
Monday, March 2, 2009
I HATE living like this
I don't have enough money on my account to make rent.
Which means the rent check I gave last week will bounce if it get's posted before Friday, which it will.
Then, I don't have enough money to pay for car insurance.
Which means I have to charge it to my 1st FBUSA card that I have barely gotten under the credit limit of.
Then, I've overdrawn my stupid Chase Visa card again, which means late fees that I can't pay.
I hate this!!!
And worst, I don't even know if I will have a job at the end of this month.
I want some stability!!!
Which means the rent check I gave last week will bounce if it get's posted before Friday, which it will.
Then, I don't have enough money to pay for car insurance.
Which means I have to charge it to my 1st FBUSA card that I have barely gotten under the credit limit of.
Then, I've overdrawn my stupid Chase Visa card again, which means late fees that I can't pay.
I hate this!!!
And worst, I don't even know if I will have a job at the end of this month.
I want some stability!!!
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