I FINISHED IT!!!

Yesterday was a monumental day for me!!!

For the first time EVER since I started writing, I have finished a story. It totaled to 41 chapters (the 41st being the epilogue) and 90,000+ words.

Even though the story was based on Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series, it was still original in the sense that I created my own character, Annabelle Causley, who came with her own story and her own situations. If you are interested (not many of you would be since I don't think many of you have read the Twilight series) you can look it up at fanfiction.com

The title of the story is Good as Gone by SamJayandHolyMae.

It is done!!!

I can finish a story!!!

This is wonderful!!!

Now on to the next story!!!

StayCation...Traveling

Last Sunday, I spend it in Costa Rica. It was absolutely amazing.

I hiked up the Costa Rica waterfalls most of the morning and then spent a relaxing afternoon in the terrace of my open and airy suite.

For this Sunday, I have caught the red-eye flight to Poland...I have a little room, really cute and cozy, at this hostel in the middle of this little snow-filled town in Poland.

Tomorrow morning, I plan on going out for a walk, hopefully get some fresh baked bread at the bakery on the street corner and maybe learn how to ski.

Will be sending a postcard to Becca for StayCation #2!!!

It Has Begun

Three days ago, the prologue to my soon to be best seller book spilled out while I was having my lunch/dinner break at Wendy's.

It is exciting to see that it has begun as I continue to do my research for this book. It will be an amazing book that somebody will someday want to turn it into a movie...after what was done with Twilight, I might not allow it.

Other than that, I am exhausted. I worked nine hours today and completed 7 interviews for Columbia. The stress and pressure is really being put on us now...we each have to complete 4-5 interviews per day and they are asking us to work Saturday AND Sunday...problem is, I haven't gotten a day off since December 1st.

I am so stressed that I cried after finishing an interview...the lady that called in to have me interview her was really mean to me...not just rude like most New Yorkers are but downright mean.

She asked me to speak clearer and slower so she could understand me, which I did. After a minute or two, she made the comment that she graduated from Harvard and that even though I may be using big and intellegent words, she couldn't understand me and that I should transfer her to someone who speaks native English or just do the interview in Spanish.

Do I have that thick of an accent? Because I know I have some form of an accent and have a problem with my diction, I tend to speak slower when I am interviewing people at work. Most people understand me but this lady made me feel so crappy about my accent.

The only reason I stuck out the interview to the end is because I wanted the interview so I could meet my daily quota. Today, I surpassed it by two. And I pray that I surpass it every day by one or two interviews.

Why? Because if we don't meet our goal of 300 interviews by December 31st, the client will roll over our account to the other vendor, which seem to be way ahead of us (I also wonder when they went live...we didn't go live until, what, November 14th?) and that makes me nervous and slightly worried that I may lose my job.

Which is a problem because I am paying school loans and just signed a 6month renewal on my lease. Maybe I should just do a three month renewal? I am going to talk to Monica about that since I haven't given back the signed lease yet...see if we could change the lease to March instead of May.

Well, enough of that. I am watching the Jay Lenno show (which I actually find humorous) and waiting for the Drano stuff to make it through the drain.

Oh yeah, I bought myself a brown winter coat...and A&M printed fleece to make a double sided blanket since today was such a crappy day for me...at least I didn't buy chocolate for me.

Titanic...the silent Torpedoe

I have gotten my car fixed...new catalytic converter and new muffler, which means that the noise (which sounded like marbles in a tin can) is gone and I can now sneak up on people...and, well, I'm back to driving five miles over the speed limit.

Oh, the title of the blog? Well, do to the rattling and groaning that my car was doing, I changed his name to Titanic, which left me praying that he wouldn't sink on me when I most need him.

The only reason I am not changing his name again is because he likes Titanic...so I taked on Torpedoe to him...a silent, deathly missile.

So what's new with me? I am now sporting size 20 jeans...two sizes smaller than what I was sporting last year.

I am going to be getting my wisdom teeth removed.

I am renewing my lease with Brazos Place.

I have bee working at EMSI for a month now.

I have posted Chapter Thirty-Seven of my story, which is close to being done.

Well, that's all. Y'all have a great night now!!!

Changes

So it's been a while, uh?

The latest, well...

Becca came up from Austin for this past weekend. It was awesome! We watched Twilight on Saturday (big disappointment), had dinner at Cheddar's then just crashed at my place.

Sunday was great though. We slept in then headed off to Peter Piper Pizza for lunch and spend two hours playing games...mostly skeeball and the video racing games. The best one was a snowmobile racing game...I got first place after five tries. It was exciting.

Also, I changed the name of my car while Becca was here. It used to be Pony, short for Pontiac. But now, due to its groaning as I turn the wheel left or right, I renamed it "Titanic" and it seems to like it. I actually think it fits very well...let's just hope it doesn't sink on me when I most need it.

I am towards the end of week three at EMSI. Still liking it, I might add. I've completed a total of 28 individual interviews for Columbia and have scheduled 16 appointments for CIP. It's repetitive but at least I don't have to sit there and wait until there's something new to do.

Anything new? I got a message on facebook from a friend I haven't heard from in about ten months. That was great.

I am spending Thanksgiving with Kevin and his family tomorrow, which is good, but I am missing the A&M vs. UT game since they don't watch football (I hope to get home and see if one of the two channels my tv carries may be showing the game). Other than that, I am back to knitting, have decided to renew my lease for another five months, and have decided to start cross-stitching.

Well, that's all for now. I was planning on getting philosophical but it's somewhat late and I am slightly tired. I will share one philosophical idea that came to me today:

If you plan to survive a tornadoe, you need to be anchored to something deep and solid.

THIRTEEN

That is my favorite number, believe it or not. Alot of superstitious people believe that thirteen is a bad luck number. I used to be seriously superstitious (except for the 13 bit...13 has always been my favorite number) but my second summer as a Senior Counselor at Camp ALOMA (this would be summer 2004) my fellow staff members found out about my superstitious nature and made it a goal to break me of said superstitions by the end of the summer.

Needless to say, it was a harrowing three months, but victory was theirs, my superstitions are no longer prevailant. I mean, yeah, I won't purposely walk under a ladder or break a mirror but if I accidentally do either, I am not going to freak out into a melting puddle of foreseen bad luck for something so...well, insignificant.

Anyway, thirteen is my favorite number and today, after six hours of work (in which I ate at my desk between calls and did not get up for a bathroom break) and fifty+ phone calls, I completed thirteen interviews and scheduled the corresponding thirteen appoinments. I barely started making calls for CIP (Care Improvement Plus) yesterday (I only scheduled two appointments yesterday) so I think for my second day making calls, thirteen is good...of course, Amber, my other co-worker that also started making calls yesterday, made a total of 25 today...but it's not my fault when people don't answer the phone, aren't home and the machine picks up, or aren't interested in the free in-home visit.

My goal for tomorrow is to schedule 15 appointments, 2 more than what I did today. If I do make fifteen interviews, I get an EXTRA $20 on top of the $30 I got from working today and tomorrow. This job is great...lots of incentives to work hard.

Well, other than that, my life's so-so. I got the 22nd and 23rd off for when Becca comes up to stay for the weekend but I had to agree to work the 28th and the 29th. I am also spending Thanksgiving with Kevin's family on the 27th. That will be great, something that I've done since I went to college...I never spend Thanksgiving with my family after I headed off to college...I only headed home for Christmas and summer break.

My first Thanksgiving at college was with my friend Shannon and her family in Georgetown. My second Thanksgiving, I think, may have been with Becca and her family in Austin, but I'm not sure. My third Thanksgiving was with Cory and his family down in Mission, Texas (since Becca was in London for that Thanksgiving). My fourth Thanksgiving was up in Chicago, Illinois with my father's family, which I met for that first time that same week. My fifth Thanksgiving was...was it with you, Becca? I think so. My sixth Thanksgiving was with Pastor Busch and his family in Talequah, Oklahoma. And now, my seventh Thanksgiving away from home is here in Waco, Texas.

I just hope I can keep the pattern going and get to go home to my parents for Christmas.

Well, that's all. More interesting stuff to come later.

Spectacular!

I don't know if y'all know this but I get extremely uncomfortable when people compliment me. That said, today was an uncomfortable day.

We started training this morning about half an hour after nine and most of the day was spent in practicing with the interview, first with the hard copy and then with the computer database, which still needs some bugs worked out.

I was interviewed the first time around and by the time I got to switch roles with Joanne, we were given a break, so I didn't get to do the interview. When we returned, I got to work with Mary Beth. She's the director of the program and has a Ph.D.

Halfway through the interview (by this time, we were using the computer database) she stopped to tell me that I was doing very well. I ducked my head, said thanks and continued with the interview.

Basically, by the end of the day, the two women from New York that are working this program told me that I was really good at the interviewing process and two of my co-workers (including one of the supervisors from the Dallas EMSi division) used the word spectacular.

Basically, everyone was amazed at the fact that I was able to completely grasp the computer database (the other co-workers in training were asking me to help them with understanding what to do and where to go) and do so well with the interviewing process despite the database bugs.

Why?

Because it was my second day on the job. If this continues, then I will be getting that raise Tessa mentioned AND will probably be asked to stay with EMSI after my trial period (which is what I am praying for).

Now why is a pay raise such a big deal? Because, at the moment, I am getting payed $10 an hour. That's great money! Enough for me to move to Hewitt (which I will do at the end of January if I am still going strong at EMSI), and continue paying my bills (credit cards AND school loans). If I get a raise and get asked to stay at EMSI, not only will I be able to do the above, but I will actually have money to save for my trip to Italy, as well as taking some classes at McLennan Community College AND looking into a Master's program in Counseling.

God is definitely amazing. He continually awes me when I see how He looks after me. I am continually praying to follow wherever He may lead me...so, Krysia, Stephen...I may not be heading down to El Paso on the 6th of December as I had originaly planned...but if I get the days off and I have the money, I'll fly down for Christmas!

Just for the fun of it, here are some more pictures to share. This is a picture of Tulsa in the evening, probably after a rainy day. One thing I must say I miss about Oklahoma is the beautiful sunsets and skies I got to witness practically everyday.

Here in Waco, I can see the sun setting behind the ALICO building from my bedroom window, but it is not the same as watching the sun setting while driving West on the highway towards your apartment...and yes, this picture was taken while I was driving. I am quite adept at doing that but after my Defensive Driving Class (which cost me $30) I won't continue mobile photography.

This is a picture of Memphis skies. Back in January of this year, when I had to fly down to Austin for the Mid-Year Reflection Retreat, I ended up having to take a connecting flight (both ways) through Memphis, Tenneesse.

While in Austin, the day before I was to fly back to Tulsa, I pulled a calf muscle, which made walking extremely painful, especially after the two hour flight from Austin to Memphis. Anyway, once in Memphis, because I had to hobble across the HUGE terminal to get to my gate, I actually missed my flight by three minutes and ended up on stand-by in Memphis for six hours.

And since I seem to be having a sky and clouds theme, I thought I'd share what a Florida sky looks like with a hurrican near by. This was taking last July, while in Orlando, Florida for the LCMS National Youth Gathering.

I think this was on the second day, when the "arm" of a hurricane actually passed through Orlando, bad enough to create menacing skies but not bad enough to cause any damage at all. In fact, it had stopped raining by the time we headed back to our hotel later that night.





My time in Florida was one of my favorites. I absolutely loved Orlando and the atmosphere down there. I also got to go to Kissimee, Florida to spend the day with my youth at Cocoa Beach and then we went to Medieval Knights for dinner later that evening. This great week in Florida was started by an all day trip to Disneyland in Orlano -Or was it Disneyworld?

This is a picture of the cross at Groom, Texas. I stopped there on my way home to El Paso last Christmas to see the Stations of the Cross at Groom before reaching Amarillo, where I speant the night with Amanda (who hasn't bothered to update her blog with information and pictures of her new home and work...shame, shame, shame).

I took pictures of all the stations and several of the HUGE cross that's right in the middle of the Stations (which are set in a circle).

Oklahoma, Florida, Tenneesee, and Texas...these are the spectacular skies that I've seen and have deemed worthy of photography and sharing. Now I wrap this blog up with a good bye and talk to ya soon!

It's Been A While!

I know it's been a while since I've posted, which I did on purpose. Don't want to bore you with my every day nothingness after all. So what have I been up to?

* I got my first paycheck from First Baptist Preschool and Daycare (for a total of 47 hours)

* I've finished watching FRIENDS, Corner Gas and Reba in the past two weeks and have started SCRUBS yesterday due to the fact that I will be receiving the Seventh Season of SCRUBS either this week or next week

* I started a new job today at EMSI in the Medical Health Department (Clinical Trial) and started training today for the Columbia University research concerning breast and ovarian cancer and the BRCA 1 and BRCA 1, which are the cancer genes (in other words, the research consists of families with cancer among them so that means, one of them is a Carrier)

* I've decided that if I am still working at EMSI by the second or third week of December, I will be staying one more month in Waco until I find out if they decide to keep me permanently, in which case, I will be moving to Hewitt, Texas

* I've finished 32 chapters of the fanfiction story I am writing and am on chapter 33, which is the farthes I have ever gone in any story that I have written OR co-written

* Becca and I have changed the story line for the fanfiction story that we are co-writing and I am so excited about the new outcome of the story

* I got my molar pulled and now am dealing with a hole in my jaw, which is driving me crazy

* I've started re-reading THE HOST by Stephanie Meyer and am looking forward to going to the movies with Becca in two weeks to see TWILIGHT

Well, that's all that's going on with me. How are y'all doing?

Me? A Missionary?

I've been thinking and praying...is there a reason why God has not allowed me to put down roots? Is there a reason why I am heading back home before the end of this year to get a job and yet I feel like I won't be in El Paso by the time year 2010 rolls around.

Recently, I've been thinking of missionary work overseas. I've even talked to Erin Alter, the placement director at the LCMS World Mission about going overseas for a year or more. In fact, I am interested in going to Japan for two and a half years for a position as a Spiritual Leader in a LCMS partnered church in Japan.

I, of course, would love to go somewhere in Europe (Slovakia, Poland or Hungary) because it would get me closer to Italy. Those places have positions available as EFL Teachers and Relationship Builders through EFL (English as a Foreign Language).

I've decided, though, that I will send my application at the end of this year so that process can get started. If God has planned this for me, the doors will open, this I know. For this reason, I am willing to start the process, knowing full well that He will open or close doors the way He has done since I've moved to Waco. Also, I am keeping my application open ended...in other words, all I am requesting is to be sent somewhere foreign...although, I may have to think about the possibility of doing mission work in the United States.

Now, what is important though is what I have to ask of those who know me well and have come to be friends, confidants and mentors. If you could please take the time to answer my question at the end of this blog, I would greatly appreciate it.

Do you think I have what it takes to be a missionary?

Stress Induced Nosebleeds?

So I had about twelve to fifteen nosebleeds in the month of October alone. Some of them were twice or three times a day, four days in a row.

Being that I am slightly (Becca starts laughing here) hypochondriac, I've started wondering if maybe I have some sickness (cancer being my top guess) or maybe it's just that my brain is melting because it is not being used the way it's suppose to be.

Becca gave me the idea that maybe, MAYBE, the reason I've had so many nosebleeds this past month was because of the stress. I hated my job during the first two weeks (and I had about five or six nosebleeds during those two weeks), I didn't have a job the third week (I had about four or five nosebleeds that week) and then I got hired to work with First Baptist Preschool. I worked an entire week without a nosebleed...until last night.

I got a call on Friday from one of the two temporary staffing agencies that I've signed up with. Tessa called and left a message (I was working with the three-four year olds during that time) about a job opening for me. I started thinking about whether I wanted to do that. I mean, I know that, more than likely, that job opening will be paying me more money than what First Baptist Preschool pays me but I also know that I will hate whatever job it is within the first week.

For the first time in five months, I absolutely love my job. I enjoy playing with the kids, making sure they play nice with each other, changing diapers, handing out snacks, cleaning up after lunch, giving hugs, putting them down for naps, cuddling...I love my job. I don't really care about how much I am getting paid...as long as I make the bills before I head out of town.

So yesterday, I started thinking and praying about this job opening...should I take it? Which means giving up on the First Baptist Preschool job. Before you know it, my nose starts bleeding...a serious gusher. From that first nosebleed at eleven in the evening, I got three more nosebleeds...one at 3 in the morning, another at nine in the morning and a third at ten thirty in the morning. A total of four nosebleeds in less than twenty-four hours.

So maybe Becca is right...maybe my nosebleeds are stress induced...which is not good. I think stress is going to be a part of my life for the next five or ten years. Not only that, but why now? I had major stress in college and I didn't have that many nosebleeds. Maybe that was because I had other ways of releasing stress...blowing off school work to hang out with friends?

Something that I don't have here in Waco...friends. Oh well. Just five more weeks and I'll be heading home to El Paso and let my mother take care of me for a while.

Oh yeah!!! Becca's coming to town on Wednesday to take me to the dentist to get my molar pulled...which is good because, since it's broken in half, the inside of the molar that is exposed is starting to go rotten (at least that's what I think). It is hurting some (not a whole lot) and I am more than willing to pay what's needed to get that tooth out of my mouth.

Ready? Waiting...

I've put in a total of twenty four hours at First Baptist Preschool. I've taken care of one year olds and younger...the youngest being two months.

I spend all day hugging, kissing, patting, praising, feeding, burping, changing, cleaning, straigthening, playing and disciplining. You would think after two hours, I'd be fed up.

Well, I would think that too. Two years ago, I would have quit my job by now...afterall, when I was working at Redeemer, I only lasted three or four days in the nursery before I requested to be moved to the older (and already potty trained) kids.

Now, I can't help but enjoy cuddling a two month old as he takes his bottle (this being Jesse who likes to drink his bottle while he stares into my eyes...I introduced myself to him as Jesse Gumtow Jr. due to a joke with my friend Jesse when I decided to change my name so I could run off to Costa Rica and not be found) or talking to a blue eyed two month old girl named Ginger while I change her diaper (I tell her that while wiggling may be cute, it makes my job to put her in a clean dry diaper a little harder and she doesn't want to do that, does she?)

It has always been my belief that taking care of infants and young children is the perfect birth control...which always worked with me in the past. Everytime I said I wanted a baby and I ended up dealing with little kids I realized, Ha! No way Jose! No kiddos for me!

Now...I am twenty-four and that particular birth control is no longer working. I e-mailed Stephen to ask if my discovering patience with youngsters I knew I didn't have before meant that I was ready to be a mother...and I told him that I was going to have to wait because, obviously, though I may be ready for that responsibility, nothing else in my life lines up for it.

I couldn't help but laugh at his response to my statement that I want to do the parenting thing the right way so that I may not suffer consequences.

"...marriage THEN sex THEN babies." So, Stephen, does the capitalized THEN mean that there is no other order? Oh, you crack me up.

So I am ready to be a mother...so now all I have to do is wait for God to let me know when it is time. Wait for something that may or may not be in His will for me. Wait for someone that may or may not be the one He has in mind for me.

A whole lot of waiting and not much happening. Patience and trust is obviously essential as I wait...wait and watch as my life goes by, as the things that I want and desire drift further and further away.

Oh well. God's plans are perfect, His ways unattainable. So I wait...wait until He gives me what He wills.

Enough of that sob fest. I bet by now, you are pretty depressed along with me. Yeah, sorry.

Aside from that, I have a dentist appointment next Wednesday to get a molar pulled out...Becca's coming up to Waco to drive me to and from the office, since I won't be able to drive. Supposedly getting a tooth pulled messed with your sense of balance. Anybody ever heard of that?

Today, after work, I volunteered to do face painting for the Pumpkin Patch Festival that First Baptist Church had from 5pm to 7:30pm. It was fun painting kids faces. Flowers, rainbows, pumpkins, Spider Man, skulls and cross bones, hearts, butterflies. Allowed me to release some creative energy PLUS spend time with kids that I didn't have to take care of.

Well, I may have tomorrow morning off if there's no need for a substitute teacher. Otherwise, I'll just be doing two and a half hours with the infants in the afternoon. Gives me time to go to the Waco Municipal Court to finish taking care of my citation.

Either than that, and the need to do laundry (sadly, I only have enough change for one load of laundry), I don't have anything else to update on.

Wait! I do! I now wake up smiling and feeling happy...it has been five months since I've felt joy at heading off to work.

Midnight Ponderings

I am sitting here listening to my Blue Rodeo CD Five Days in July and wondering how my life has come to this point.

God has, once again, shown His great mercy and His constant support for me. I worked today at First Baptist Preschool as a substitue teacher and will be working the afternoon shifts (just two hours) starting Monday. I was asked to work for the church on Sunday evening, for two hours, which is some extra cash. Not much, but hopefully enough to pay the bills next month. The possibility of making enough money to pay December rent and bills is slim, but that is something to deal with another day.

I talked to my mother over the phone today and she kept telling me how much she is looking forward to having me come home and how much she needs me near by. As I listened to her talk, and cry, about her responsabilities concerning her siblings, I couldn't help but feel useless...and burdened.

You see, I explained to my mother that her siblings are not her responsability. They are, after all, adults well enough to take care of themselves and to know what is good and what is bad. If anyone is responsible for them, it is themselves and their own children. My mother's only responsabilities are herself and her children. And then it hit me hard...my responsibility is my mother.

I am an adult and so is my mother, but my mother is getting older...eventually, she will need to be looked after and taken care of. I am responsible for that.

How can I deal with that at this time of my life, when I am having a hard enough time taking care of myself?

Not only that, but having my mother tell me again and again (and again) that she needs me close by (at home) is starting to weigh down on me...my mother's need for me to be near by is feeling like a yoke to me.

How am I suppose to tell my mother that as soon as I see a way out, I'll be getting the hell out of Dodge (Dodge being El Paso)? How do I tell her that I am actually contemplating going into the mission field overseas, actually praying if God has this in my future, my heading to Slovakia or Hungary or Poland to teach English as a Foreign Language or to be a Spiritual Leader in Hong Kong, an opportunity to show the love of Christ and teach the awesomeness of God to many who are desolate and in the dark?

How do I tell my mother that if the opportunity arises, I will go as far as I am called? God has held on to me throughout these hard months, has shown me His steadfast faithfulness...I can do no less, no matter where He leads. And I know His plans for me are unimaginable and incomprehensible (because even now, I can't comprehend what He is doing at this point in time) but one thing I know, whatever He calls me to do, I will do.

If the reason all this has happened was to send me back to El Paso to be His light and voice there, then I can do it. But I can't let my mother become my yoke...but I can't turn my back on my responsibility when it comes to her.

I'm afraid...afraid that I will feel suffocated and burdened...especially if that is the place God has planned for me to be of use. How can I minister to others and show the freedom given to us by our Father if I am dragged down by my mother's expectations and demands?

Is it really a good idea for me to go home, to be near my mother? Will it be a mistake to be so close by and, somehow, end up giving my mother a crutch? I don't want to be the one she leans on just like I don't want to lean on her. I've learned the hard way, time and again, that the only one stable enough to be leaned on is God. Does my mother understand that?

Even worst, if I go back home, will my mother be able to let me go again when the time comes?

ISAIAH 55

My life is not what I expected it to be at this point in time. At twenty-four, I expected to be in a serious relationship, dedicating myself to a career that I am passionate for and working towards continuing my education.

Instead, I am single, with no prospective relationship whatsoever, unemployed, barely making rent and definitely not making enough to pay my bills, and watching my passion for my chosen career slip farther and farther away. Oh, and the continuing education...didn't I just say I could barely make rent?

Today, I had lunch at a Chinese restaurant across the street from the mechanic where my car was getting an oil change and a thermostat replaced. While there, I started the first day of a 30 day Bible study titled "Trusting in the Names of God."

The first chapter was titled "The Great Adventure of Knowing God." It was amazing how much this first chapter with which I started parralleled to my life at this moment. And what amazed me most was the last verse the writer, Catherine Martin, quoted.

Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost. Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare. Give ear and come to me; hear me, that your soul may live....

Isaiah 55:1-3a

Those first three verses hit me hard but not as hard as when I found out that those three verses came from the same chapter as a verse that I hang on to at these uncertain times of my life.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, as the heavens are higher than the eart, so are my ways higher that your ways and my thoughts that your thoughts. As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields see for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: it will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

Isaiah 55:8-11

I realized that if I must adopt any chapter from the Bible to help me through these uncertain times, Isaiah 55 would be it. It felt good to study Scripture. I haven't opened a Bible in over two months and it was amazing to have God talk right to my hurt. To have Him cut through all the crap and pretense and hit the heart of the matter that is my life.

I feel relieved that I am on speaking terms with my God again. And I thank Becca for having reminded me during our three hour talk last night that God is so much bigger than my situation...

Depressed? Me? Nooooo....

I just got back from Wal-Mart. I spend $22 on two frozen pizzas, Ben & Jerry's Half Baked Ice Cream (Chocolate and Vanilla Ice Cream with Fudge Brownie chuncks and gobs of chocolate chip cookie dough), a bag of milk chocolate with toffee and almond Hershey blocks, a large bar of Symphony milk chocolate, and a Kingsbury book that will make me believe everything is right with the world.

So am I depressed? Feeling blue? Well, not blue. Mostly because I think blue is a happy color...any shade of blue is cheery and happy and constant to me. I guess I am feeling more like gray...yeah, gray is the color of my mood.

The word of my mood is YUCKA...

Balls also describes my mood adequately (just for you Becca).

I have been packing, throwing out papers from the school notes and papers I've kept. I wish I could just go home now, where I could feel safe and stable. I think that's what I hate about my life the most...how unstable and inconsistant it feels, day in and day out.

Not only that, but I think I am not healthy. I've had nosebleeds the past three days. Yesterday and today, I had two. They've only lasted about two minutes but still...nosebleeds three days in a row? I also had a sinus headache all day Friday. And I mean all day. It started late Thursday night when I went to bed and did not go away until Friday night when I went to bed.

Well, tomorrow, I'll be calling JOAT to see if they have anything lined up for me (as well as a paycheck for the two days I worked last week at Loan Express). If not, I'll be going to Katy's, an ice cream shop at Clay and Valley Mills and putting in an application (as well as strongly suggesting they hire me...is that called begging?)

I have this week to get at least $200 so I can pay rent next Monday for the month of November. I also need to fill out the paperwork to defer my stupid school loans. Why did I go to school? What is the point of a Bachelor's when I can't even use it?

Enough, enough. There's no point to my yacking on and on about my pathetic life. Yes, by the way, I am depressed. Not suicidal but definitely depressed.

Yucka...

What Is The Matter With You?

I hate the uncertainty of my life. I am, once again, without a job. I'll be heading to the Waco-Tribune Newspaper and applying for a customer service job, which would hopefully last me long enough until I head back West.

So today I spent all day with a sinus headache (which sucks majorly) and feeling sorely miserable about myself. I just don't know what the bloody hell God expects from me. What is it that I am suppose to be doing? Or not doing?

Well, I am, for sure, okay with heading home to live with the parents (ARGH!) and trying the independent thing again, but this time, with something to fall back on if I fail...again.

Other than that, I am trying not to get depressed and doing my best on not heading out of my apartment and spend money (I tend to spend money when I am unemployed and not making money). Unfortunately, the depress feelings are attached to my being stuck inside this apartment.

I have already started packing. I have two boxes of books packed and am working on a third box. I should have eight boxes packed and ready to go by the middle of November. I am getting my school loans deferred for another year (hopefully) and getting my car fixed for the long road trip. I had to call my credit card company to get another card since I cut up the one they send me back in February this year. I plan on using my available balance of $3,000 for the car repairs (engine oil leak and a catalyst) and the moving truck ($745 if there's someone else my moving can piggy-back on...prayers it may be so).

I am feeling so down and blue about the way my life has turned out after graduation/internship. I thought I would be on my first call by now, but obviously, no church wants me and God has no place for me. I know He's taking care of me, because He continuously reminds me so, but I feel so useless and worthless. I have nothing to offer that is not ministry related and the ministry world doesn't seem to have a place for me.

Enough of that. The one good thing in my life is that Becca's visiting in November and I get to see my mother come December. Also, I've talked to Becca about the possibility of her moving West sometime next year. She's looking into West Texas and New Mexico, which, by the way, would be an amazing place to live at. I myself will be looking into an apartment in West El Paso or Las Cruces, New Mexico. Maybe even Alamogordo and as far as Alburquerque.

Becca send me some links to apartments in Santa Teresa, New Mexico, which are absolutely beautiful. The idea of living in the mountains and desert once again kind of make me feel hopeful again. I didn't realize how much I missed living somewhere with open space, which the desert and mountains always offer.

Okay, I am done with my update. I am still alive, still in Waco, still adrift, still alone, still blah...

Decisions

I have a job until the 24th of October.

I have decided to move back to El Paso sometime early December.

I am researching moving companies here in Waco for estimates (donations, anyone?)

I am researching jobs in El Paso, Las Cruces, Alamogordo, and Alburquerque.

I will only live with my parents for a month or so before moving into my own apartment.

I am excited about having family and friends in the same place I live so I won't be a such a hermit.

Becca is coming to Waco in November so we can see Twilight.

Looking forward to being J.T.'s (Jaden) babysitter once I move to El Paso.

Will be looking into getting a Teaching Degree when I get into El Paso.

Am going to see if UTEP has a Master's program in counseling.

Other than all those decisions, I am doing well. Developing my story, writing the other story, and doing research for the first of a possible trilogy that I am developing and hoping to shape into a best seller.

Musical Discoveries

There is music that you like, music you love and music you hate. Some of the music you hate is either from personal experience, second hand knowledge or pre-conceived notions.

I have been expanding my music taste. I call this my musical education, which started early this year. I've looked through my CDs and am amazed at how much my music taste has morphed. I still like the same music as before, it's just that I am more open to other artists and genres than before.

My CD wallet can carry up to 230 CDs (I think). I know I have, at least, about 150 CDs.

Among those CDs are the usual country CDs (Reba McIntire, Kenny Chesney, Clay Walker, Garth Brooks, Keith Anderson, Taylor Swift, Big & Rich, Billy Currington, Dierks Bentley, Conway Twitty, George Strait, Deana Carter, Chris Cagle, Michael Peterson, Keith Urban, Jack Ingram, Josh Turner, Gary Allan, Mark Chestnutt, Little Texas, Little Big Town, Martina McBride, Patty Loveless, Phil Vassar, Rascal Flatts, Shania Twain, Sara Evans, Tim McGraw, Tracy Lawrence, The Wreckers, and Rooftop Cigar).

Then there are my Christian Contemporary CDs (Aaron Shust, Casting Crowns, dc Talk, Celtic Hymns, David Crowder Band, Jeremy Camp, Jars of Clay, Kutless, Kirk Franklin, Kindred, Melissa Russel, Mariachi San Pablo and two Worship Together CDs).

I have some CDs that fall under the punk genre, I think (Relient K, Blink 182, Sum 41).

Then there are my Christmas/Instrumental CDs (Acoustic Guitar, Golden Classics, Romantic Love songs, Spanish Guitar, quiet Christmas, Christmas Around the World, Michael English, Josh Groban, and Yanni).

Following that are the Soundtrack CDs (Avenue Q, Chocolat, The Hours, Phantom of the Opera, Les Miserables, and Scrubs).

Then I have my "can't figure out the genre" CDs (Billy Joel, Michael Buble, and Joni Mitchell).

Followed by that is the Latin genre (Celia Cruz, Salsa Music, Buena Vista Social Club, Elvis Crespo and Shakira).

Then there is my new music discoveries CDs (Nickelback, Tom Petty, The Fray, Dido, Toto, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Santana, The Beatles, Ben Harper & the Innocent Criminals, Be'la Fleck and the Flecktones, Al DiMeola, Stanley Clarke, Jean Luc Ponty, the Eagles, Elvis Presley, Frank Zappa, Grateful Dead, Jimi Hendrix, Keller Williams, Lenny Kravitz, Michael Hedges, Miles Davis, Tom Ware, Robert Earl Keen Jr., Pink Floyd, Phish, Collin Hay, Cake, G Love and Special Sauce, 3 Doors Down, Led Zepplin, Pearl, Blue Rodeo and Poison).

Why am I listing all my CDs? Because I am inviting you to continue my education by suggesting your favorite artists, albums, songs. I have no idea where to look next. I am actually looking into Lionel Richie but I thought that I may seek outside help with this music education of mine.

I thank you for your suggestions ahead of time.

Corner Gas

This is one of my favorite dialogues between Brent Leroy and Wanda Dollard, two of the characters from the Canadian hit sitcom, Corner Gas

Brent: Hey Wanda, does the milk delivery come today or tomorrow?
Wanda: How about you get off my back for two seconds?
Brent: Sorry to harrang you like that. Didn't mean to bring up work here at work.
Wanda: I might not even be coming to work for awhile.
Brent: What? For how long?
Wanda: Depends...on whether I get charged with manslaughter or murder...I mean, if I walk up to my neighbor -while he's mowing his lawn at 5AM -and say "Hey, it's five AM you inconsiderate sack of crap" and jab a screwdriver into his neck...that would look premeditative, right?
Brent: Well, I'm no lawyer -
Wanda: Or if I rig his lawnmower...so when he starts it up, the blade comes rolling off the thing and guts him like a salmon -hard to prove anybody did anything.
Brent: I see you've thought this through.
Wanda: No, no, no, no...I haven't given...any premeditation to this at all...it just happened.
Brent: I see...I mean, I didn't see anything.
Wanda: Well of course you didn't. You were fast asleep. It was 5AM. Everyone should be. Not up running a gas powered hedge clipper under my window and singing Pat Boone songs at the top of their lungs.
Brent: Well, have you talked to him about -
Wanda: Actually, premeditation is hard to prove, most coaborration involves hearsay, which is often disallowed in court.
Brent: I was just gonna say that.
Wanda: Ah, but if the screwdriver hits his carodoid artery, that would definitely look intentional. Although...an argument could be made as to motivation...you know, state of mind...emotional duress...you know what I'm talking about.
Brent: I know who Pat Boone is.
Wanda: Maybe I'll rig his lawnmower to explode -the mafia gets away with it all the time...
Brent: ...
Wanda: Are you saying I'm not as smart as some mafia thugh? Uh?
Brent: No...I'm not...I'm not saying...Look, just settle down.
Wanda: I know, I know...it's just talk...I'm not gonna kill anybody...but a pellet gun to the cheek might get the point across.
Brent: And now you're being reasonable.
Wanda: Tomorrow.
Brent: Look, don't shoot the guy with a pellet gun.
Wanda: No...tomorrow's milk delivery.
Brent: Oh...well...don't shoot him either.

I love this dialogue because it makes me think of the many conversations I have had with Becca concerning the many plots I have for the many situations that could possibly occur in the future. Well, hope you enjoyed it...I sure did. Oh yeah, get the series...I have all four seasons.

FRIENDS-Season One

THE ORIGINAL SONGS OF PHOEBE BUFFAY AS SEEN ON SEASON ONE

Season One, Episode One, "The Pilot"

Love is sweet as summer showers

Love's a wondrous work of art

But your love oh your love

Your love...is like a giant pigeon...

Crapping on my heart

Season One, Episode Seven, "The One with the Blackout"

New York City has no power

And the milk is going sour

But to me it is not scary

'Cause I stay away from dairy

Season One, Episode Ten, "The One with the Monkey"

I made a man with eyes of coal

And a smile so bewitching

How was I suppose to know

My mother was dead in the kitchen?

La la la la la la la...

My mother's ashes

Even her eyelashes

Are resting in a little, yellow jar

And sometimes when it's breezy

I get a little sneezy

And now -

Season One, Episode Eleven, "The One with Mrs. Bing"

You don't have to be awake

To be my man

As long as you have brainwaves

I'll be there to hold your hand

So we just met the other day

There's something I have got to say...

Season One, Episode Twenty-Two, "The One with the Birth"

They're tiny and chubby

And so sweet to touch

Soon they'll grow up

And resent you so much

Now they're yolling at you

And you don't know why

You cry and you cry and you cry

You cry and you cry and you cry

____________

They found their bodies the very next day

They found their bodies the very next day

La la la la la la.....

~*~

As promised, here is something that I enjoy...the songs of Phoebe Buffay from FRIENDS.

I still have more songs but those are from the next season. I think the next sitcom blog will be one of my favorite dialogues from Corner Gas, a Canadian sitcom that I discovered when in Tulsa.

So I guess you are wondering how I am doing...at least, I am assuming you are. I wouldn't know since there are no comments on the previous post. I am doing alright. I took my car to get the dent taken care of and sometime next week, my blinker should be taken care of. I am also looking into replacing all of the bulbs in my headlights.

The reason my passenger door won't open is because the front side of the car is shoved up against the door. They will straighten that out before they put in my new blinker. They will also attempt to pop out the dent without the bumper coming loose. At the moment, the dent is no longer a problem to my tire, which is a good thing. Hopefully, sometime next week, I'll take my car to get an oil change (it needs it!) and to get my water pump fixed (it dumped all my coolant this morning when I got back from the car collision place).

Well, what else is knew with me? I am enjoying my Poison CD and I am doing my best not to lose hope. I think that things start looking up for me but I don't want to get too complacent...the last thing I want is to think that things may just start working out (car fixed, bills payed, and a possible full time steady job) and then have it all fall on me again.

I have been thinking of heading back to El Paso at the end of this year but that is still to be seen. I would get an apartment of my own and a job when there, as well as enjoy the joy of living near family and close friends. This is something that I used to dread but now I am actually feeling okay with the idea of moving back to where I grew up. I think it's because I feel like a failure at the whole grown independent woman attempt. Stephen, if this happens, are you willing to drive up here to help me move back home? I don't want to make the drive by myself and I will need another vehicle for my stuff (which means your truck) unless I want to hire a moving truck (yuck).

Of course, if I get a steady job that will not wig out on me before the end of this year, I'll go ahead and stay in Waco. I like Waco and I especially love the fact that I am close to Austin, which I love.

I just pray that God shows me what He wants and that I am willing to follow anywhere He leads.

Rock Bottom?

Or do I still have fifty feet of crap to go through?

I was going to write a entertaining story about how I am planning on blowing up the train tracks. This story was inspired by the blowing horn of the train at five in the morning today, which made it difficult for me to go back to sleep.

Instead, I get to share a real life story...this is the story of my first car wreck, my first citation and generally my first rock bottom (well, second, if you count my spiritual rock bottom back in high school).

I left work at 4:40PM and was at the stop sign of Wycoan and Texas Central Parkway. I looked both ways and since no one was coming, I turned left to get onto Texas Central Parkway. Blind spot kicked my behind here, though. I turned into the outside lane (this is what got me the citation and a potential fine) and then all hell broke loose.

I hit a Chevrolet truck, which did more damage to me than I to it. I was able to keep calm as I got onto the left lane and stopped, putting my emergency lights on. The guy pulled up infront of me on the left lane and we both met outside and he asked if I was okay and vice versa. Everything was all good. We got out of the lane and into the Wardlaw Claim Services parking lot (which is where I am working temporarily) and waited for the Waco police to show up. About an hour later, Officer Vela showed up, took down our information and our account of the accident and wrote up a case.

This led to him letting me know that it was my fault and then writing up a citation and giving me information about calling the judge and such. This, of course, was not good news for me and he could tell that was the case. He then said something to me that made me smile:

"I'm going to say something to you that's been said to me before. Once you hit rock bottom, there is nowhere else to go but up."

I thanked him and he made sure my car could drive before he let me go and took off himself. As a side note, he was Hispanic and I think he is unbelieveably cute...which is strange because I never thing Hispanic men are cute or handsome or even attractive...I am thinking it was the uniform.

So I talked to my supervisor, told her what was going on. I'm not going into work tomorrow, instead I'll be calling my insurance, find out what will happen with that, then start looking for auto repair places in Waco that won't bust my credit limit so I can get my right front blinker fixed...it still blinks...it just doesn't have the covering over it...oh yeah, I am also missing my right side mirror, my side front bumper is seriously dented (the point of first collision), my front passenger door won't open, and my back passenger door is dented as well.

I have to get the blinker fixed, the front side bumper dent popped out so my tire won't blow out from rubbing against it, and maybe even my side mirror, even though Officer Vela told me I don't have to worry about that as much as about the blinker (which could get me a ticket...just what I would need at this point).

I am praying that I can continue to drive my car (I believe I will also have to get the alignment fixed again along with an oil change) so I can continue to go to work, so I can continue to make money so I can continue to pay bills, which not only include rent and three credit card bills (one of those credit cards pays for my electricity and phone bill) but for upcoming school loans in November/December and a possible citation fine...may the judge be merciful.

I am feeling a little sore, probably from whiplash but I've been there before from a previous car accident. I just pray that this doesn't cause me to lose hope about living on my own...independence is a bunch of bull, I am coming to realize.

Well, your prayers will be appreciated. I can definitely use them. I know that God is watching over everything.

As I told my mom, "God is in His kingdom and all is good with the world."

Desperate But Not Hopeless

Last night, I stayed awake wondering what to do. I have rent due in a week and I don't have the money to pay it or the job to make the money. I lasted at least an hour just tossing and turning, wondering why my life is the way it is. Before I drifted off to sleep, I decided to look into a waitress position at the Texas Oakley Bar. It may still happen.

This morning, I got a call from Lacey and was able to head to Wardlaw Claims Service and do an eight hour shift for nine dollars an hour. Unfortunately, I have to wait until tomorrow morning to see if they need me to come in tomorrow for another eight hours. If I can work at least three days total this week, eight hours a day, I can make enough money to pay rent for next month but not enough to pay all my bills.

My phone bill came a little higher than usual this month, and it feels like I am paying credit card bills every other week. It really sucks being an adult in the real world, living on your own and making your own way. Especially when you have this feeling of expectation, of waiting, of being on hold...I hate that.

I've pretty much decided that by the end of this year, I am moving back home if I have a way to do it. Then again, I am looking into moving a little further west...in other words, I am looking into Abiline. If I can get a job there and an affordable apartment, then maybe I can try this whole living on my own thing again.

Well, Columbia didn't happen for me but I managed to deal with that in a way that was totally healthy...Becca was with me, so that was a good thing. We ended up heading to Wal-Mart on Wednesday night and buying a six pack of Jack Daniels' Home Down Punch and I had two (my usual) while we read a partial draft of Midnight Sun, Stephenie Meyer's project in which she was rewriting Twilight from Edward's point of view. Of course, one of the people she trusted with a partial draft with wasn't as solicitous as should have been and the partial draft got out on the internet, which means Stephenie has put the book on hold...indefinitely.

This really pisses me off because that means the completed book may not come out at all and after reading the partial draft, which is available on Stephenie Meyer's website, I am more than anxious to read the complete story and not just what she put up. It didn't even get to my favorite chapter from the Twilight book.

Well, since I don't have much of a life, I decided to start putting up things about one of my favorite past-times...sitcoms! This means I will be posting the best dialogues and monologues from the different sitcoms that I love and own (FRIENDS, SCRUBS, REBA, Corner Gas). This will take some time, and I will make sure and title the blog according to the sitcom that I am referring to.

Prayers are very much appreciated. Thank you for them...don't worry about my emotional or mental stability, no matter how dark my comments and such may be...I am feeling desperate but not hopeless...God has my back and I have hope.

Dreams

You know how everybody has dreams for their future? Certain dreams become goals because you know that there is a definitely possibility that they will come true...such as going to college and getting a Bachelor's degree, getting a Master's in Counseling and Theology, a law degree, and other such things.

Then there are those dreams that you have but know there is very little chance of them actually happening...like my dream car...a Corvette Convertible...a blue one...I found a picture and thought I'd share it with y'all...who knows, you may decide to start a Luz's Car Dream Fund after this (another one of those dreams I have that are not likely to happen)

What do you think? If I could, I'd get it in maroon instead of blue, but blue is one of the two choices of what color I would want my Corvette to be...

All It Takes Is A Song

Music is such a deeply imbedded part of life...anyone's life. Have you come across that song or songs that seem to be written especially with you in mind? Here are some of the many songs that make me think of my life...

Most of these songs are somewhat sappy and most of them are of the country nature but you may be surprised by some of the other ones. I am only putting up parts of the songs, such as a hard hitting lyric, or a heart twisting chorus...

~*~

“…I’ve talked to friends, talked to myself, I’ve talked to God, I prayed like hell but I still miss you. I’ve tried sober, I’ve tried drinkin’, I’ve been strong and I’ve been weak and I still miss you. I’ve done everything to move on like I’m supposed to but I’d give anything for one more minute with you…I still miss you…”

Keith Anderson

~*~

“…A million words can’t express just how I feel…a million years from now you’ll know, I’ll be loving you still…nights alone and the days are so sad…I just keep thinking about the life that we had…I’m missing you and nobody knows it but me…”

Kevin Sharp

~*~

“…Next thing I knew, I locked up my heart and I grew cold as ice. Frigid as a November wind, I knew you would never come back again, so I hung my head and I cried…”

Rooftop Cigar

~*~

“…So hold me when I’m here right me when I’m wrong, hold me when I’m scared and love me when I’m gone, everything I am and everything in me, wants to be the one you wanted me to be, I’ll never let you down even if I could, I’d give up everything if only for your good, so hold me when I’m here right me when I’m wrong, you can hold me when I’m scared but you won’t always be there, so love me when I’m gone, love me when I’m gone…”

3 Doors Down

~*~

“…Softly now, you owe it to yourself and don’t think that you will be left on a shelf ‘cause there’s someone for you and there’s someone for me. Like me you’ll meet them eventually. Here’s to your lover and here’s to my wife, here’s to your children and here’s to you having a good life from me…Loudly now, you’ve lost all your pain. You’re married with children and happy again. Now I’m regretting the move that I made, fatal mistakes I so easily made…enough of my problems, they only cause fights. Forget that I rang you I promise you’ll have such a beautifully happy and painlessly romantic good life…”

Francis Dunnery

~*~

“…It’s been a few years and I miss you…still…got your picture on my windowsill…been thinking of ways I’ve got days to fill…I don’t think I ever will…hold on to things you can’t explain, hold on to dancing in the rain, hold on to kisses on the lips, savor every sweet moment ‘cause maybe this is it…”

Jack Ingram

~*~

“…Still this emptiness persists…perhaps this is as good as it gets…when you’ve given up the drink and those nasty cigarettes…now leave the party early, at least with no regrets…and watch the sun as it comes up and watch it as it sets…this is as good as it gets…”

Colin Hay

~*~

“…I just wanted you to know sometimes driving home at night, I let your memory take control and you’re sitting by my side. I turn up the radio, cruise down old route fifty-nine…girl, its solid gold. Well, I’ll let you go…I just wanted you to know…”

Mark Chestnutt

~*~

“…And still, the world stood still…I couldn’t move and all I could feel was this ache in my heart, saying I loved him still…”

Reba McIntyre

~*~

“…he’s the reason for the teardrops in my guitar, the only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star, he’s the song in the car I keep singing…don’t know why I do…”

Taylor Swift

There are many more songs, but I can't put them all up. I have several that I like but I didn't know who sang them or wrote them, so I didn't put those up. Anyway, just thought I would share these few songs.

Small Town America

A strange week. I was in two different states in two days this past weekend.

I got to visit Columbia but on the way, was also introduced to St. Louis. My favorite part of St. Louis, other than the beautiful arch, was all the old abandoned buildings...it gives the city character, in my opinion.

Now, Columbia...boy, a town of 8,900 with one McDonald's, one Quizno's, one Sonic (basically one of every fast food place I find tolerable or good minus Wendy's) with some amazing history of being a 162+ year old town. I fell in love with the small town feel of it...I'll find out on Tuesday if the church, St. Paul Lutheran Church, wants me to be part of their staff, congregation and community...I am praying that God place me where He sees fit.

I got to go to my first ever car show on Saturday morning after I had dinner with the Hiese family at Denny's in Waterloo (a town ten miles from Columbia) and before the drive to St. Louis for my afternoon flight. I was on the phone the whole time, telling my stepdad about the cars I was seeing...my favorite's being a red 1964 Ford Mustang Convertible, a 1965 steel blue Grand Prix Pontica, a 1969 dark red Corvette Convertible, and a car so old (yet very well kept) that it had a crank in the front that is used to get the motor going.

The rest of my week was strange. I had a job assignment in which I had orientation on Tuesday morning, worked 4 and a half hours yesterday and then was called today and told that the assignment has been put on hold. Basically, this assignment depends on the hurricanes and how much damage they make so I have to wait for Ike and Josephine to come around. Meanwhile, I get to check in everyday to see if they have anything else.

Great news, though. I have all four seasons of Corner Gas, a Canadian show I absolutely love. I finally deposited the reinbursement of my plane ticket and bought some food for my empty refrigerator. I got an e-mail from one of my junior high girls at Good Shepherd. My twin is coming over for a visit next week...YAY on that last one!

Well, other than all that, there's nothing much else going on with my life...

Letting Go

My mother's mother passed away on Monday morning. It was difficult for her losing her mother and difficult for me to think about the time that will come when I will have to let go of her.

Saying good bye is never easy, even when you know that you will see that person in the after life if their hearts have been committed to Jesus Christ and the sacrifice he made for all of humanity.

I wish I were able to be there for her but that wasn't to be so. My mother has lost her mother and none of her own children are there to help her through this dark times. She has God though, and He has blessed her with insurmountables amounts of comfort and strength.

Well, other than that, my life is pretty much the same. Unemployed but not scared. I am waiting on God to show me the way and I know He will care for me the way no one else has. It is just a matter of trusting Him and following wherever He leads.

The Beginning of an Uncertain Weekend

As many of you know, I am not a fan of my temp job...no need to hear me whine anymore though because Tatex terminated me today. You would think they'd be professional enough to tell me before I left that I should take my things and didn't need to come back on Monday, but no, they let me walk out saying "See you Monday" to everyone left.

Lacey, from Jack of All Trades, called me to see how I was doing at Tatex so I told her if she could look around for something different, maybe a little more challenging, for me. Forty-five minutes later, she calls me to let me know that I no longer have a job with Tatex and that someone from the office brought my stuff to the JOAT office and that I'll get my paycheck on Monday when I go down there to pick up my stuff. Lacey told me she would look around for me and to call early Monday morning to see what's available.

Now, here's the thing: I was feeling kind of weird about all this before I even knew that it happened...I kind of had a premonition that I wasn't going to be around next week and sure enough, there it is. God's way of preparing me for this upsetting event. Now, I am applying for positions on-line once more and e-mailing my resume. Between JOAT and myself, I am sure I will come up with something. If anything, I am going by the Texas Oakly Bar and applying since they need waitresses....waitressing should be an interesting experience although I do need the 29th of this coming week off because I'll be flying to Columbia for my job interview...maybe that's why Tatex fell through...because Columbia is going to happen, but I won't let my hopes get up so I won't feel disappointed when it doesn't happen.

God has a plan...even though I don't know what it is, I know He has an amazingly beautiful plan for me.

Things I've Learned At Work

* I learned it can take two hours to place double sided tape on both sides of 150 wooden fan handles if you time everything just right

* I learned that my supervisor thinks of me as a mole because she believes I like to "dig through stuff" just because I'm organized

* I learned that after organizing our albums and marketing supply closet so they could be aesthetically pleasing to the passing eye, I'm considered the "organized freak" of the department

* I learned that vellium paper is easier to fold than cardstock and that I don't plan on having folded invitations for my wedding

* I learned how to "log in" into my phone and that I have to give it a reason as to why I am not in my desk before I leave my desk

* I learned that no matter how hard I hit the keyboard keys, the computer still won't do what I want

* I learned that the soda machine as Dr. Pepper available in the morning but not in the afternoon when I really need one

* I learned that when my supervisor said to holler when I was ready for the next step, she didn't really mean it

* I learned that when I was put in charge of getting supplies for our department, and jokingly stating that I was the Supply Manager for the day as I made lists of who needed what, people were actually hearing "HI, I'm your slave for the day so feel free to interrupt me while I am working to let me know you need office supplies three hours after I asked you and have already brought everything from the back."

* I learned that because someone kept the white-out they borrowed from her, Ava has decided to keep the one she borrowed from me

* I learned that mold gives me migraines, the building gets that moldy smell when it rains, and it has rained for the past two days

* I learned that while I have no computer at my desk, I am still expected to answer my phone and deal with dealers while the computer I am using is on the opposite side of my desk

* I learned having my own cubicle isn't as fun as I had hoped...in fact, it is downright claustrophobic

* I learned that you can hate and develop deep loathing for an inanimate object, namely, my office chair

* I learned that even though I can fold 500 invitations in four hours I am also able to stretch that out for three days

* I learned that even though I am suppose to have an hour for lunch, it is not enough because all I do (as I eat) is lament how much I am hating my job

* I learned that a challenge at this workplace only last between two and five minutes and then I lose interest

* I learned I can look through boxes of supplies transported from the Alabama plant and waste away an hour and a half doing something that would of lasted thirty minutes

* I learned that the morning hours drag and the afternoon hours kill

Dying Brain Cells

This has been a enlightening week at work, mostly because I've come to realize how little brain cells I actually use from 8AM to 5PM. In fact, the only times I was actually using my brain involved organizing our albums into our new space, learning to use the new Novatus system (imagine me, enjoying learning how to use a computer system...not only that, but actually understanding it! Shows how much my brain wants to be used) and organize our new supply closet. Other than that, I spend my days putting together orders of fans for weddings (which is fun 'cause I am doing something with my hands), typing in numbers and names and addresses...over and over and over and over...you get the point. Mind numbing work...I absolutely hate it. I need the challenge to learn something new, to create new programs, events, activities, to teach, to solve problems, discuss situations, discover answers...instead, I am doing a job that can be easily done by a middle school kid with enough computer training...

Well, I made a new friend. She's the graphic designer for the Marketing program at work and we are a lot alike it's slightly scary...I didn't think there was another person, other than Becca, that was similar to me. Allie is hilarious, strangely weird, and fun to hang out with. She reads the same books I read, listens to some of the same music, enjoys the same movies...and it turns out that she's even Lutheran, like me. Who would of thunk it?

I got a call on Friday that let me know I was moving on to step two of my career as a DCE. I am flying to Columbia on August 29th for an on site interview, then heading back to Waco on the 30th. In fact, I already bought my plane ticket, which will be reimbursed by the people at Columbia. I am excited about this opportunity and pray that this is what God has made me wait for.

Prayers will be very much appreciated...I want to hold this possibility with open hands, in case God has other plans. Open hands is a concept that Barbara Sweet, one of the youth leaders at Good Shepherd in Tulsa, taught me throughout the year that I was there. She said to me once that when I pray, I should pray with open hands, otherwise, I won't be able to get the blessings that God sends my way. Sometimes, we get so wrapped up in praying for specific things, telling God what we need and want, as if He didn't already know. We don't keep in mind that God has a different idea of what we need and want. I am not saying that we shouldn't bring our desires before God just that when we do, we should do it with our hands open, ready to let go of what we desire and take what God offers because in the long run, what He offers is better than what we desire.

Well, other than that, my life is pretty much the same thing all around. I will be watching a movie with Kevin today and am hoping to convince Allie to do something for Labor Day, which we have off from work. So adios to everyone and remember...

Laissez les bon temps rouler...

Let the good times roll!

Life Sucks and then You Die...If Only I Were So Lucky...

I know that title seems a little dark and down but for some weird reason, that phrase stuck with me. It is the entire prologue for the second book in Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer.

So what have I been doing with myself lately? You mean besides losing days at work and spending money I don't have on emergencies (which is why I got the credit card but still....)?

I've been stuck in Austin. I drove down on Thursday after work and got to Round Rock to watch my Becca play. That was a good game. As we got ready to leave to head to Kerbey's for some Kerbey queso, my car decided to be a jerk....It would start, run for a while then die. I called my step dad and he told me it was probably the gas pump. Long story short, had to get my car towed from Round Rock to Austin (oh yeah, stupid idiotic me locked the keys in my car so I had to pay an extra $60 to get my car unlocked), get it dropped off at Shreve's and then forget about it for the rest of the night.

Beccs and I went to Kerbey's and we ate and hung out sometime until 2 in the morning, I think. I woke up the next morning to call Shreve's but the mechanic wasn't in yet. Then, I got a call from the mechanic...a blown fuse, deteriorated insulation, computer, wires....and this was only the work he had to get done to check the rest of the car...and that alone will hit about $600. So I sighed, realized it couldn't be helped and told them to proceed.

Becca and I went to see The Dark Knight (greatest Batman movie ever! Joker became my favorite villain thanks to Heath Fledger (did I get his first name right? Or is it Keith?) and I fell in love with Christian Bale/Bruce Wayne/Batman...and his Lamborghini). After the movie, we went to get smoothies at Barnes & Noble (oh yeah, they do smoothies now too). I walked out without buying a single book, which made me so proud! That's when I got called...the parts needed won't be delivered until Monday morning so my car probably won't be ready until Monday afternoon...and that's if there's nothing else wrong with the car.

So because Becca was heading out Saturday morning for a cousin's wedding, I needed to find someone to stay with...Erin couldn't take me on, which I understood, so Jesse, one of my favorite guys, came to my rescue. I got to meet his sister Joanna and their friend Vanessa. He picked me up, we dropped my stuff off at his apartment, which is near the new Concordia campus, and we headed off to 6th Street. We went to Pete's, a piano bar. I had a lot of fun!

Yesterday, we had lunch with Joanna and Vanessa at Chipotle's, then went to the teacher supply store with them, then headed back to his apartment (which is gorgeous! My little apartment alone can fit into his living room/kitchen) and we watched the Olympics, I took a nap then spent the rest of the day reading The Host by Stephenie Meyer. Amazing book, by the way.

Today, I slept in and now I am just going to wait around until Becca gets back to Austin and Jesse drops me off...good thing Becca doesn't work tomorrow and she doesn't have BSF either. We get to spend an extra day together! Of course, at the expense of my earnings. All I pray is that my car is ready to go by Monday afternoon/evening or early Tuesday morning...I can't loose too many days of work...that won't be good because I don't have enough money on my account for that.

Well, that's the crap mixed in with the sunshine that has been this weekend.

YUCKA...

I'm feeling weird today...not like psyche weird, but physical weird. I may be getting sick or something. I hope not 'cause I can't afford anymore days off this week since I won't be working on Friday.

On that note, I am heading to Austin Thursday after work! I get to see George play kickball in Round Rock and then we get to hang out, watch Annie Get Your Gun (since I got her a copy) and then on Friday, we'll go see the Batman movie, hopefully at a Alamo Drafthouse so we could have lunch while watching the movie, then I head back to Waco after dinner (Freebirds, anyone?)

Well, hopefully I get my bed sometime this week or next week. I will post pictures since it will be the first piece of furniture that I've bought...boy, I am growing up! I think the next thing I buy will be a pappazzan (sp?) chair for my teeny tiny living room.

I got to stand outside and watch a thunderstorm come in. It is the most beautiful thing to see, a thunderstorm rolling and growing and churning...a beautifully awesome display of emotion. The lightning and thunder releasing pent up energy, the rain pelting the ground in a true display of pain and anger. As I stood out there, I couldn't help but think of a line from one of my favorite movies: the thundercloud heads rolling...it's like their own religion.

Well, I must go make my food before my lunch hour is over. Will keep you up to date on what all else is going on in my life!

Memo anyone?

Wouldn't it be great if God send you a memo of what He has in store for you, even if it's just a daily agenda type of memo.

As those who read this know, I had an interview with the Methodist Children's Home on Monday after work. Well, I got the call today.

I'm sure you've picked up on the tenure of that small six word sentence...no, I didn't get the job and yes, they will make sure to send my application back to Human Resources incase something else comes up. What a lukewarm sentiment.

I feel really bummed out about this because I thought that maybe, just maybe, I was finding the reason as to why God has brought me all the way to Waco, Texas from Tulsa, Oklahoma. It hurts even more because I am literally aching with how much I miss doing ministry with youth. I was definitely looking forward to the opportunity to work with the high school boys at MCH.

Obviously, God has other plans. He won't tell me though. I just wish I could understand that, fully understand it, and not have a part of me, that tiny little part that is able to cause much damage, whisper time and again that I am not good enough. Nobody wants me. Everybody hates me. I should eat some worms...

Worms...sounds good. I'll have to remember to pick up some gummy worms when I go shopping tomorrow after work. Turns out that I may be feeding the Mariachi San Pablo lunch on Saturday...I'll know for sure when Krysia calls to confirm the plans. I also have to make brownies for Stephen...that's the price he gave me to allow me to hang out with my boy Jaden.

I am so looking forward to seeing that kid! I've got gifts for him and will be going to Academy tomorrow to get another gift.

Well, enough. Work is going well, a little chaotic due to the inter-departmental moving ( I get my own cubicle once they are done with that!), but it is paying me so I don't complain too much...except the fact that we are all so efficient, there's not much to do at the moment. Next Tuesday will be one month since I started working with Tatex...I guess I should celebrate...

Hey, it pays the bills.

To Make You Laugh

So I am sitting in my apartment with my air conditioner down to 50 degrees and I am sweating to death...what is up with the world?

My air conditioner supposedly was fixed yesterday and when I got home, it was working fine enough for me to use a light blanket when I went to bed. But now, NOW, even though it blows air, there's nothing, NOTHING!

Anyway, I thought I'd make y'all laugh by sharing a story from one of my all time favorite books, 32 Third Graders and One Class Bunny by Phillip Done.

I used to laminate everything, absolutely everything -posters, prints, bookmarks, birthday certificates, awards, library passes, name tags, file folders, book jackets, real estate calendars. You name it, I laminated it. They called me the laminating king.

It got pretty bad. Once Cathy sent me a note with a question. Attached was a sticky note. It said, "Please just answer the question. Do not laminate."

But now I won't go near the machine. Not even close.

You see, one night I was in the staff room laminating my kids' art work for Back to School Night. It was late.

Now, you know what a laminating machine looks like of course. It's about three feet wide and sits on a table. It has two big rolls of plastic. You put whatever it is you want to laminate in on one side. The paper rolls through the two big rolls of laminating plastic. The plastic is hot and adheres to the paper. And your paper comes out on the other side all nicely laminated. It's great.

So there I was, carefully guiding each piece of artwork into the laminator, humming along, when all of a sudden, I felt this tug! I looked down. My tie was caught in the machine!

Immediately, I pulled back, but the tie was stuck. I tugged again. Still nothing. I jerked a third time. No luck. Meanwhile, I was still rolling into the machine. Oh my God, I thought. I am going to die!

I could see the headlines: "Teacher Flattend in Laminating Machine," "Teacher Suffocates to Death in Hot Plastic," "Teacher Becomes Art Project," "J.C. Penney Recalls One Million Ties."

I slammed off the switch.
I kept rolling.
"Crap!" I screamed.
It was the heat button.
I pushed another button.
I started rolling faster.
"Noooooo!" I yelled.
I reached under the table and fumbled for the cord. I found it.
Thank God!
I yanked it as hard as I could.
Suddenly everything stopped.

I sighed, closed my eyes, and rested my chin on the edge of the table. I didn't move for about ten seconds. My head was about five inches away from the roller.

Finally I lifted my head and looked around the room.

How the hell am I going to get out of this thing? I thought to myself. I couldn't undo my tie. The skinny part in the back had gone through too.

Then I spotted some scissors on the counter. I tried to reach them but they were too far away.

Damn! What was I going to do?

"Helloooooo," I said softly, "Helloooooo."
Nobody answered.
Oh my God, I thought. If I don't get out of here, the other teachers will find me here in the morning.

I yelled louder.

"Heeeeeelp! Heeeelp!" I screamed.

Finally, after about ten minutes of my screaming at the top of my lungs, Marion walked into the room. She covered her mouth.

"Don't laugh," I said, "Get me out of this thing!"
"How did you...?" she asked.
"Never mind! Just get me out of this," I said. "Grab those scissors over there and cut the tie."
"Cut it?"
"Cut it!" I screamed.
"But it's a nice tie," she said.
"I don't care about the stupid tie," I yelled. "Just get me out of here! And stop laughing! It's not funny."

Marion cut the tie and I was saved. That night I made her swear not to tell a soul. But Marion is not good at keeping secrets. For weeks afterward, strangers would pass me in the supermarket, at the gas station -everywhere -point to my tie, and start cracking up.

I called my dad and told him the whole story. He couldn't stop laughing either. Until I told him it was his tie.

Hope you enjoyed that! It is one of my all time favorites! Wish I could hear you laughing as you read it. I always laugh as I read it, which makes it hard when I'm reading it outloud to someone else.

Well, other than that, there's nothing else going on in my life, so adios!

Ice Cubes

As I sit here in front of my fan, which is blowing nothing but hot air, and cursing the broken air conditioner (I got the fan the day before my air conditioner up and quit on me...is that what's called irony? I don't like it) and bugs that won't allow me to have my windows open (I had them opened yesterday and as I was reading on my bed, a huge black cricket walked by me and I screamed like a banshee...I was able to take it back outside where it belonged by using an envelope and the emptied band-aid box), I start think of how simple it would be if I were an ice cube.

With this heat, I would slowly melt but I would still remain cold until I become a little cold puddle in the ground that would quickly evaporate and would no longer be in agony. Melting definitely sounds like a dream come true because, at the least, the misery of being hot would have an end.

Instead, I am fresh out of a cold shower and I can feel the heat all around me despite the fan being on high. Even though girls supposedly don't sweat (we perspire) I can tell you right now that is not true. I'm so miserable that I haven't even eaten today for two reasons:

1) I would have to turn on the stove if I wanted to cook something
2) I would have to walk into the hot kitchen/living room to make a sandwich and it is so not worth it

So here I am, melting away in ounces and inches, looking forward to going to my job tomorrow. With a bit of prayer, they'll have the air conditioner fixed by the time I get home from the Methodist Children's Home.

I am so hot I am missing Oklahoma's Ice Storm...and to be honest, I would rather be cold than hot. With cold, you can just pile on the layers...with hot, well, there's only so much you can take off without it being absolutely indecent!

Do I Have What It Takes?

So this morning I got a call from Lee Davis. He works at the Methodist Children's Home here in Waco, Texas. He called concerning the application and resume I had sent to them in early June and to see if I was still interested in working with them.

I have an interview with him on Monday, after I get out of work. The position being offered involves working weekdays and weekends, 3PM to 11PM, with the occasional weekend off. I would be doing housing supervision for 14 to 17 year old boys that live in the Methodist Home campus. This means working with high school teenage boys that come from difficult backgrounds, such as abuse or abandonment. These boys may have behavioral problems, issues with others and themselves, and more than likely, issues with authority.

I've talked to Kevin about it (his intial response was "If they offer you the job, take it") as well as Pastor Busch. Being the great mentor that he is, he just went right out and asked me what about the job scared me. I can't be anything less than honest with him and his advise gave me hope.

Ever since I took the call to be a DCE, which was the middle of the third week of the first summer I worked as a Senior Counselor at Camp ALOMA, I've felt called to work with troubled youth. I remember sharing this with Serena once and she made me feel bad (not intentionally I am sure) when she replied that all youth are troubled. I agree but what I meant to say is that I feel called to work with the special cases...you know, the ones nobody else wants to work with because they are too much trouble. I'm talking about attitude problems, behavior problems, abuse home backgrounds, drugs, sex, alcohol, gangs, self-esteem issues, etc.

These are the kids I've always wanted to work with yet every once in a while, I doubted whether it was a calling from God or if it was just me with a subconscious hero complex. Every time something like that crossed my mind, a youth or young adult would come along with problems that made me ache for them and made me pour myself into them. I'm talking about eating disorders, anger management problems, verbally abusive fathers, verbally abusive mothers, in need of unconditional love, in need of affirmation and acceptance. I've had several of these kids throughout my ministry experience. Even then, though, they were balanced by a group of kids that I considered stable. Funny how a troubled kid needs at least five stable kids on the other side of the scale to keep the balance.

I've always worried that working full time with troubled kids would burn me out or show me that I don't have the backbone or skills or passion like I thought I did. It's really nice and all to think about dedicating my future to these hurting kids, which can be found anywhere, but when the challenge is presented to me, will I succeed or crash and burn? Do I have what it takes?

This was what I shared with Pastor Busch, my fear that I may not be strong enough, whether emotionally, physically, spiritually or psychologically, to actually deal with these potentially hurting teenage boys and their baggage ( especially when I am still learning to deal with mine) in a full time basis. Will I find those several normal kids that will keep the scales balanced so I don't burn out, or worst, walk away from the experience with a bleeding heart and broken spirit?

He said something to me that is pushing me towards taking the job if offered:

Instead of focusing on what weaknesses will come out of this experience, focus on what strengths will develop and grow.

The challenge is this: Can I walk the walk or am I simply all talk? I feel such a hunger for ministry ( Pastor laughed and made the comment that ministry gets in your blood...I can't help but agree) and the opportunity to dedicate myself (and make a living) doing something that I feel so strongly about is being offered to me.

Will I rise to the challenge? Do I have what it takes? Or will this be God's way of saying that He has other plans for me?

...Or, be still my heart, is this God saying this is what He has planned for me?

Trail Mix

Just a quick update before I head out to eat my lunch in the lunch room.

I bought myself a golden ivy so I could have something at home to take care of. I've put up my easel and have started painting again. I finally completed the 23rd chapter of a story I am writing. I've ordered Jaden's Converse sneakers and hope to get those before he gets to Waco on the 2nd. I am making plans to head down to Austin on the 7th for Becca's kickball game and to watch Batman with her on the 8th.

Other than all that, there's not much big news except that I got a letter from Christine and need to buy long envelopes to mail my 7 page letter (her fault for asking too many questions). Also, I am going to start looking into buying a bed. I told Shortcake I had no furniture whatsoever and she spend most of our conversation unable to wrap her mind around it.

By the way, Shorty, I like your Bonsai tree!