I have an interview with him on Monday, after I get out of work. The position being offered involves working weekdays and weekends, 3PM to 11PM, with the occasional weekend off. I would be doing housing supervision for 14 to 17 year old boys that live in the Methodist Home campus. This means working with high school teenage boys that come from difficult backgrounds, such as abuse or abandonment. These boys may have behavioral problems, issues with others and themselves, and more than likely, issues with authority.
I've talked to Kevin about it (his intial response was "If they offer you the job, take it") as well as Pastor Busch. Being the great mentor that he is, he just went right out and asked me what about the job scared me. I can't be anything less than honest with him and his advise gave me hope.
Ever since I took the call to be a DCE, which was the middle of the third week of the first summer I worked as a Senior Counselor at Camp ALOMA, I've felt called to work with troubled youth. I remember sharing this with Serena once and she made me feel bad (not intentionally I am sure) when she replied that all youth are troubled. I agree but what I meant to say is that I feel called to work with the special cases...you know, the ones nobody else wants to work with because they are too much trouble. I'm talking about attitude problems, behavior problems, abuse home backgrounds, drugs, sex, alcohol, gangs, self-esteem issues, etc.
These are the kids I've always wanted to work with yet every once in a while, I doubted whether it was a calling from God or if it was just me with a subconscious hero complex. Every time something like that crossed my mind, a youth or young adult would come along with problems that made me ache for them and made me pour myself into them. I'm talking about eating disorders, anger management problems, verbally abusive fathers, verbally abusive mothers, in need of unconditional love, in need of affirmation and acceptance. I've had several of these kids throughout my ministry experience. Even then, though, they were balanced by a group of kids that I considered stable. Funny how a troubled kid needs at least five stable kids on the other side of the scale to keep the balance.
I've always worried that working full time with troubled kids would burn me out or show me that I don't have the backbone or skills or passion like I thought I did. It's really nice and all to think about dedicating my future to these hurting kids, which can be found anywhere, but when the challenge is presented to me, will I succeed or crash and burn? Do I have what it takes?
This was what I shared with Pastor Busch, my fear that I may not be strong enough, whether emotionally, physically, spiritually or psychologically, to actually deal with these potentially hurting teenage boys and their baggage ( especially when I am still learning to deal with mine) in a full time basis. Will I find those several normal kids that will keep the scales balanced so I don't burn out, or worst, walk away from the experience with a bleeding heart and broken spirit?
He said something to me that is pushing me towards taking the job if offered:
Instead of focusing on what weaknesses will come out of this experience, focus on what strengths will develop and grow.
The challenge is this: Can I walk the walk or am I simply all talk? I feel such a hunger for ministry ( Pastor laughed and made the comment that ministry gets in your blood...I can't help but agree) and the opportunity to dedicate myself (and make a living) doing something that I feel so strongly about is being offered to me.
Will I rise to the challenge? Do I have what it takes? Or will this be God's way of saying that He has other plans for me?
...Or, be still my heart, is this God saying this is what He has planned for me?
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