AM I INSANE?!?!?!?

Oh boy, this is going to be crazy. So I'm going home. After seven years of not living under the same roof as my parents for more than a month, I am voluntarily moving back in with them.

I am trying my best not to panic and let that yucky tight knot feeling in the middle of my stomach to push me towards worrying. Somehow, I feel like God is pushing me back home. No matter which way I turned, He kept hedging me towards El Paso. Why?

Is He planning on restoring the relationship between myself and my parents? Does He want my parents to see me as an adult or me to see my parents as friends?

Or is there more to it? Is this part of that healing process I began last year while in Tulsa but stopped after four sessions because I was too busy (the best excuse to stop things that will reveal what you don't want to see)?

El Paso is the place I grew up in. It holds so many memories and joys and disappointments and pains. The day I left El Paso to head for college in Austin, I promised myself that I would never go back. But now, I am trying to figure out what I meant. Never go back to El Paso? Or never go back to the unlivable family situation I had grown up in?

Will my parents and I be able to get along? How long before we start getting on each other's nerves and climbing down each other's throats? Will I be able to handle the arguments and fights my parents seem to just naturally fall into? Sometimes, I think that their relationship is based upon fights and arguments that could easily be resolved through open communication. I hate dealing with conflict. I do everything possible to not have to deal with conflict. Why do you think I work so hard at having people like me? That way, there won't be any conflict. Yes, I've dealt with it when it comes up between me and Becca, but Becca and I are so close that I know we can move on beyond that and not have it hanging off our necks like some dead albatross.

But my parents...they never let go. I love them both very much, don't get me wrong. But they aren't conducive to the peaceful and fun-loving style of living that I've gotten used to these past seven years.

I was 18 when I moved out of my parents house, a week after graduation and right into the Heimers' home. It was a wonderful time for me, staying up late talking with Angela, getting to work throughout the day with Stephen, learning more about Jesus and Scripture, about myself and my relationship with God. Making friends, doing ministry.

I didn't have to deal with my parents except for Sundays. I liked that. It was restful, peaceful, wonderfully amazing. It made me realize that life doesn't have to be one fight after another, one argument on top of the next one. Life can be agreeing to disagree, communication, smiles and laughter, joy at being able to connect in a way that lets you express your view and see someone else's view without trying to squash one and replace it with the other.

Not only that, but I've gotten used to having my own space. I am going to have to share a bathroom with my parents, a kitchen, a living room...and if I know my mom, my bedroom is not off-limits. She never learned to knock. Oh God, please help me not to revert back to seventeen. I want to have them see me and treat me as a grown up, not a rebellious teenager that's too stupid to understand responsibility, therefore rules must be applied.

I need prayers that I find a job FAST, that way I can move withing a week or two of starting a new job. I can deal with living near my parents...I can't deal with living with my parents. Not for long. I don't think I'll even unpack.

Much prayers would be appreciated.