First Update: Letting go of Dead Dreams

May 16, 2010
1:49 AM

I had the strangest, most normal dream. I woke up with the whole thing still in my head and I thought it over as I went to the bathroom.

Then I started to cry.

There's an ache in my heart as I realized that I've given up on my calling, on my ministry as a DCE.

I wasn't doing ministry in my dream, as it has happened in the past, but I was hanging out with a friend while he did his normal day to day stuff as a DCE.

During our conversations, he introduced me to one of his junior high church kids, who started talking to me about wanting to go to law school.

I was able to share my ideas concerning the process of waiting and following God, who has plans for each of our lives.

Then, once the kid headed off to class, my friend turned to me and said, "You miss being a DCE, don't you?"

I could actually see and feel myself well up with tears in my dream as I replied, "I do."

And then my friend said the weirdest thing, which comforted me yet made me realize that I've given up and am now ready to try moving on.

He said: "You looked good doing ministry."

Not "you look good" or "you will look good" but "you looked good."

Past tense.

I will be hitting the two year mark at the end of this month (5/28) since I finished my internship.

Two years since I've done full time DCE ministry.

Two years, five interviews later, waiting for my own church, my own group of teenagers and families to minister to.

Two years of waiting and aching for an opportunity to answer my call to the DCE ministry.

And now I've crying again at the fact that I've given up.

I won't have a church of my own.

God has other plans for me.

I don't know what they are and I'm not arrogant enough to assumer what I'm doing now or the steps I'm taking to fulfill my next goal are anything but my own plans.

All I can do is to be open and willing to follow God down whatever road He's chosen for me, whether it's the one I'm currently on or a completely different one that I've never even thought of.

Even in my dream, God comforted me, sending me a friend to help me understand.

Although I've given up on DCE ministry, I haven't let go.

I'm hanging on to a dead dream, having my own church, being a DCE, doing full time ministry.

It hurts, it literally aches, but it's time.

Time to let go and Let God.

Time to move on.