Internship Year: First and Only Year in Oklahoma

My internship year has been insanely unpredictable yet very predictable...in other words, my internship year has been a oxymoron...

In all reality, this year was filled with many revelations, most of them personal. Even though the reality of ministry finally set in this year, I learned more about the reality of me.

I learned how much of an introvert I truly am. All those who are scoffing at the idea of my being an introvert...too bad you can't see me now.

Thanks to this year in Oklahoma, I learned the truth about myself...I am an introvert that uses extrovertness as a shield to keep people from getting too close to me. It is my mode of protection and what's absolutely hilarious is that people don't even realize that. They just think I am a fun, loud, outgoing, outspoken, bubbly, positive, optimistic, smiling, laughing, crazy, social butterfly. There are those few who have been smart enough to look beyond the smiles and laughter and show interest in getting to know the real me. Even then, though, I hold back. I guess it's that inner fear that if they really know me as I truly am, they won't like me. After all, I don't like me so why should anyone else?

The phrase that we are our worst enemies became true for me this year. I never realized how I tend to self-sabotage myself whenever I have the chance. It's like I don't think I should be happy so I do everything possible to hold me back. Yes, this is where "me, myself and I" become three different beings and make life hell for me. Even though it sounds like it, I am not insane. Well, maybe somewhat insane but not entirely. Someday though...if I don't learn to love myself...a white padded room and a straight jacket are a definite possibility.

So before I headed off to Oklahoma, I expressed my fear at having to make new friends...making friends have never been easy for me. Mostly because of my outer personality...I always come off as shallow and ubber-extroverted. Only those that see something more beyond the first impression get to learn a little more about me...it takes time though. Becca and Stephen have been my friends for over five years and they don't know everything about me...heck, my mother's been with me for twenty-four years and she doesn't know everything about me. Anyway, back to my fear of making friends...So many people told me not to sweat it. I would probably have friends within the first week of internship. I love y'all who said this, really I do, but it is now my turn to say "I told you so."

I didn't make my first friend outside of church until the third month in Oklahoma...and only because she moved into my apartment building. And she's the only friend I have outside of church, even now. As for the friends I have in church...well, I only hang out with them in church or church related events. Well, I went through this year with just one friend...and if she hadn't been around, I would have just stayed in my apartment instead of going out on my own. I know this because I was well into being a hermit by the time she moved into town.

One thing I am grateful for was the strengthening of old friendships and the surprising emergence of new ones. Yes, Amanda, I am talking about you. You have been an amazing blessing and encouragement throughout this year and that surprised me. We were friends back in CUA but not close friends. And now...I consider you one of my close friends. You were able to break through some of my barriers...and long distance too! You are amazing and I love you.

This year has truly been a revelation to me in so many ways. I've learned why constructive criticism works on me...because it relieves pressure off of me from me. See, when I am doing something, I am already tearing myself down, telling myself how bad it was, blah blah blah. When someone offers me constructive criticism, it surprises me into seeing the good things of what I did. How I succeeded. Pleople telling me that I am doing a good job and so forth so on are, in all reality, saving me from myself. Or attempting to. Because no matter how many compliments I get, I always take them with a grain of salt and then tell myself they are just being nice. Which makes me love them more and love myself less. Yes, I know, I need help.

Well, enough psycho-babble. This was my internship year in a nutshell. What did I learn from internship? Ministry can take over your life if you don't set clear and healthy boundaries. It is so easy to forget your personal responsibilities as a follower of Christ in favor of doing your job as a church worker. In other words, there are two ministries a church worker does. A personal ministry and a professional ministry. It is not good to simply stick to professional ministry.