What Is The Matter With You?

I hate the uncertainty of my life. I am, once again, without a job. I'll be heading to the Waco-Tribune Newspaper and applying for a customer service job, which would hopefully last me long enough until I head back West.

So today I spent all day with a sinus headache (which sucks majorly) and feeling sorely miserable about myself. I just don't know what the bloody hell God expects from me. What is it that I am suppose to be doing? Or not doing?

Well, I am, for sure, okay with heading home to live with the parents (ARGH!) and trying the independent thing again, but this time, with something to fall back on if I fail...again.

Other than that, I am trying not to get depressed and doing my best on not heading out of my apartment and spend money (I tend to spend money when I am unemployed and not making money). Unfortunately, the depress feelings are attached to my being stuck inside this apartment.

I have already started packing. I have two boxes of books packed and am working on a third box. I should have eight boxes packed and ready to go by the middle of November. I am getting my school loans deferred for another year (hopefully) and getting my car fixed for the long road trip. I had to call my credit card company to get another card since I cut up the one they send me back in February this year. I plan on using my available balance of $3,000 for the car repairs (engine oil leak and a catalyst) and the moving truck ($745 if there's someone else my moving can piggy-back on...prayers it may be so).

I am feeling so down and blue about the way my life has turned out after graduation/internship. I thought I would be on my first call by now, but obviously, no church wants me and God has no place for me. I know He's taking care of me, because He continuously reminds me so, but I feel so useless and worthless. I have nothing to offer that is not ministry related and the ministry world doesn't seem to have a place for me.

Enough of that. The one good thing in my life is that Becca's visiting in November and I get to see my mother come December. Also, I've talked to Becca about the possibility of her moving West sometime next year. She's looking into West Texas and New Mexico, which, by the way, would be an amazing place to live at. I myself will be looking into an apartment in West El Paso or Las Cruces, New Mexico. Maybe even Alamogordo and as far as Alburquerque.

Becca send me some links to apartments in Santa Teresa, New Mexico, which are absolutely beautiful. The idea of living in the mountains and desert once again kind of make me feel hopeful again. I didn't realize how much I missed living somewhere with open space, which the desert and mountains always offer.

Okay, I am done with my update. I am still alive, still in Waco, still adrift, still alone, still blah...