Midnight Ponderings

I am sitting here listening to my Blue Rodeo CD Five Days in July and wondering how my life has come to this point.

God has, once again, shown His great mercy and His constant support for me. I worked today at First Baptist Preschool as a substitue teacher and will be working the afternoon shifts (just two hours) starting Monday. I was asked to work for the church on Sunday evening, for two hours, which is some extra cash. Not much, but hopefully enough to pay the bills next month. The possibility of making enough money to pay December rent and bills is slim, but that is something to deal with another day.

I talked to my mother over the phone today and she kept telling me how much she is looking forward to having me come home and how much she needs me near by. As I listened to her talk, and cry, about her responsabilities concerning her siblings, I couldn't help but feel useless...and burdened.

You see, I explained to my mother that her siblings are not her responsability. They are, after all, adults well enough to take care of themselves and to know what is good and what is bad. If anyone is responsible for them, it is themselves and their own children. My mother's only responsabilities are herself and her children. And then it hit me hard...my responsibility is my mother.

I am an adult and so is my mother, but my mother is getting older...eventually, she will need to be looked after and taken care of. I am responsible for that.

How can I deal with that at this time of my life, when I am having a hard enough time taking care of myself?

Not only that, but having my mother tell me again and again (and again) that she needs me close by (at home) is starting to weigh down on me...my mother's need for me to be near by is feeling like a yoke to me.

How am I suppose to tell my mother that as soon as I see a way out, I'll be getting the hell out of Dodge (Dodge being El Paso)? How do I tell her that I am actually contemplating going into the mission field overseas, actually praying if God has this in my future, my heading to Slovakia or Hungary or Poland to teach English as a Foreign Language or to be a Spiritual Leader in Hong Kong, an opportunity to show the love of Christ and teach the awesomeness of God to many who are desolate and in the dark?

How do I tell my mother that if the opportunity arises, I will go as far as I am called? God has held on to me throughout these hard months, has shown me His steadfast faithfulness...I can do no less, no matter where He leads. And I know His plans for me are unimaginable and incomprehensible (because even now, I can't comprehend what He is doing at this point in time) but one thing I know, whatever He calls me to do, I will do.

If the reason all this has happened was to send me back to El Paso to be His light and voice there, then I can do it. But I can't let my mother become my yoke...but I can't turn my back on my responsibility when it comes to her.

I'm afraid...afraid that I will feel suffocated and burdened...especially if that is the place God has planned for me to be of use. How can I minister to others and show the freedom given to us by our Father if I am dragged down by my mother's expectations and demands?

Is it really a good idea for me to go home, to be near my mother? Will it be a mistake to be so close by and, somehow, end up giving my mother a crutch? I don't want to be the one she leans on just like I don't want to lean on her. I've learned the hard way, time and again, that the only one stable enough to be leaned on is God. Does my mother understand that?

Even worst, if I go back home, will my mother be able to let me go again when the time comes?